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Justin Lehmiller, PhD surveyed 4,175 Americans about their fantasies, and published a book all about it! I'm currently reading it. It's called "Tell Me What You Want", and I am LOVING IT!
The beginning of the book discusses the top seven themes that Lehmiller found through his research on fantasies. They are:
1. Multi-partner sex (threesomes, orgies, gangbangs, etc.)
2. Bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism (BDSM)
3. Novelty, adventure, and variety
4. Taboo sex acts (i.e. fetishism, transvestism, voyeurism, exhibitionism, frotteurism, pedophilia, etc. These are typically acts that are socially or culturally forbidden.)
5. Passion, romance, and intimacy
6. Being in a non-monogamous relationship
7. Gender-bending and homoeroticism
Chances are, you probably fall into at least one of these categories in terms of your more frequented fantasies. It's also VERY possible that you may have had a fantasy (or ten) in all seven!
It's important to know the difference between fantasy and reality. You can fantasize about being with the same gender, and find it arousing. That does NOT mean you necessarily want it in real life. It's simply a fantasy - a thought that creates arousal. Period.
To make things even more confusing for us, we tend to be more easily turned on by risky behavior (including taboo fantasies) when we're in a sexually aroused state. So, if you've ever had an orgasm, and then took a peek at the porn clip you were just watching, you may have felt a knot in your stomach. That's not uncommon! Once we aren't aroused anymore, we are WAY less likely to be turned on by out-of-the box or taboo fantasies.
I recently did a podcast episode (episode 18) on anonymously submitted fantasies. Some folks just wanted to share a hot fantasy, while others were experiencing mega shame and wanted my feedback.
But, how do you start a conversation about fantasies?
How about...
"I had a dream last night that [insert fantasy]. It was kinda hot. What do you think?"
"I saw a sex coach on Instagram talk about [insert fantasy]. Is that something you'd ever be into?"
Try couples' apps like Spicer or We Should Try It.
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