Hi ,

I have recently heard from three different women who are overcoming some deeply traumatizing experiences. 

• One grieving a tragic end of a 30-year marriage and trying to build a new life with her young daughter
• Another preparing for her baby’s funeral
• A 21-year old girl who aged out of foster care, only to find herself pregnant, alone and stuck in a cycle of abusive boyfriends

So this week, I want to talk about appropriating trauma.

I started using that expression a few years ago when I noticed myself taking on other people’s trauma like it was my own. 

I felt morally obligated to continue reading, scrolling and empathizing with every tragedy in the world. …As if I could hurt enough to erase my relative privilege or solve the underlying problems. And all the while, I was losing my hope, optimism and energy to do anything actually helpful.

Surprising zero people, I started getting drained - like, really drained. I felt sad, pessimistic and hopeless most of the time. My efforts to "get involved" were reactive rather than thoughtful, and more ineffective than not. There was a strong sense of obligation, but certainly no joy.

In time, I came to see how unnecessary this was.

As outsiders taking on others’ pain, we don’t have access to the full, 3D, technicolor experience of the ones actually living it first hand. EG: In the stories above, the women expressed more than just pain, loss and uncertainty. They also expressed: 

• Joy from feeling the love and support of their communities
• Finding a deeper strength (and in some cases faith) than they’ve ever felt before
• Pride for their agency, independence and problem solving
• Hope that they are currently laying the foundation for good things in the future
• Deep connection to the people around them as they share what’s happening and allow themselves to be fully seen
• Gratitude for the many tools they have for navigating their situations

In the past I have heard from people whose trauma has come alongside motivation, focus, perseverance, and new opportunities they wouldn’t otherwise have had. And that’s true for my own painful stories as well.

When I empathize solely with tragedy, I am reducing others’ experiences and depleting my energy to be a force of good in the world.

So lately, I keep an eye on my empathy. I remind myself to hold a wide lens. Have I cried apart from these women upon reflecting on their stories? Yep. For sure.  

But then I poured a cup of tea, and I held them in a vision of strength, hope, connectedness and empowerment. I didn’t let their stories keep me from doing what I’m here to do (since that’s not what anyone wants anyway.)

If you’re struggling to keep your empathy in check, find some quiet time to reflect on this deep truth: pain is one slice of a larger story. 

Look for ways to be a help and an encouragement if you can be, and then let go. Your anguish doesn’t serve them or you.

May you find joy in your empathy,

Andrea

PS: Don’t forget about the chance to win a $50 visa gift card in my drawing next week! If you'd like to win it, just suggest to a heart-centered friend in your life that they sign up to receive my weekly notes of mindful improv encouragement. Reply to this email letting me know how many people you referred, and that's the number of entries you'll get into the drawing. This is 100% on the honor system.. and why wouldn't it be? You're a ray of sunshine and I trust you completely. :)  Please send your friends this link to make joining easy. You could also consider forwarding a past email that was meaningful to you.

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