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By: Rabbi Yossi Ives
A young woman ended a shidduch that had reached an advanced stage because she felt unsettled about the relationship, and said that she didn’t feel able to proceed. She was advised by her mashpia to take a two-week break, following which she would decide. During this break she spoke to several people. All pointed out that that she could find no meaningful fault with the shidduch, and advised her to proceed.
Despite this encouragement, her discomfort and confusion remained. Plagued by uncertainty, she felt unable to take the plunge. Ultimately, she ended the shidduch. Here is her explanation: “I knew that I have to give an answer at the end of the two-week break. I couldn’t give a yes, so the answer had to be no.”
While I fully understand her predicament, I can’t agree with that logic. There is a third option besides for a yes or a no.
Continue or quit?
A common scenario is where two people have several good dates, but the dating is stuck. Now the question is: should they keep going or quit? In terms of compatibility things line up. Yet, for all of the positives, one or more party feels that after several dates the relationship is not progressing. The question arises what to do: continue or quit?
Both options are problematic. Just going on more dates hoping for change is mostly wishful thinking, and risks adding to the frustration and heartache. On the other hand, how does it make sense to walk away from an excellent shidduch?
In truth, sticking it out due to sheer perseverance or quitting out of frustration and despair are not the only options.
A third option: Help them get unstuck
In reality, a third option: help them to become unstuck. This young woman should have focused on answering the only question that really matters: “Why is this happening?” or “What is going on here?” If the shidduch lines up so well, why is she so stuck?
People can experience discomfort, internal conflict, and profound confusion for a wide variety of reasons that do not reflect badly on the shidduch. Some people are indecisive, perfectionist, or worriers. Some people find it difficult to open up, overcome their anxiety, or to develop emotional feelings.
It is entirely possible that the reason she is feeling uncomfortable or stuck is related to something inside of her, rather that something that is missing in the person that she’s dating.
There may be small yet impactful inner struggles that cause debilitating uncertainty. Without knowing what is at play, it is nearly impossible to overcome it. But with clarity, it is typically possible to get past it without too much difficulty. Often the answer isn’t either to continue or to quit, but to delve a little deeper and get wiser.
To reach the author: Yossi@DateWell.org
For more articles on dating, please visit www.datewell.org.
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