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Heartache may become so overwhelming that is seems there is little or nothing you or anyone can do to relieve it. The last thing you want is to hear people telling you “This too shall pass,” or “It is God’s will.” At this point there really is nothing to be done, not even responding to people who are trying to be kind. The hurt and pain is overwhelming enough that it almost acts as a cushion against the reality going on around us. The types of heartaches that tear us apart are different for each of us. But at one time or another, maybe even years after, when we are sitting alone, memories return.
For me, these are the memories of the “unfinished” business of grieving not done, of denials and pretending. I can’t speak to the grieving not done for anyone but myself. It is only now, so many years later – years that I acquired an understanding of life from a Buddhist perspective - that I can finally end my grieving. It was a heavy burden to carry that colored my relationships and friendships. The denials were denials of the reality of the teachings of the Four Noble Truths. There is no other truth that is as liberating as understanding them and making them part of my life. The pretending was that I was not dependent on anyone else. Realizing how much my life depends on others is of so great a consequence that I am still coming to terms with it.
So where is the gratitude in all of this? The gratitude is that part of me was open enough to hear the teachings from so many wonderful voices, and the older I get, the more voices there are. Putting a bandage on devastating heartaches is simple, denying the truth of life is simple, but there is just so much pretending that can support this fiction before it will collapse under its weight.
It is the understanding that it is not my egocentric self that will make things better, but knowledge that starting to let go of that egocentric self is the start of ending that heartache.
Namo Amida Butsu.
In Gassho,
Rev. Anita
rev.anita.cbt@outlook.com
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