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by Dalreen Ramos
A few months ago my mother told me, âGrandma says you look good now.â I wonât lie. It felt good to hear that. But being an overthinker, I let those words play on loop through the day like a Spotify ad, only for the implied meaning to hit me in the shower. I negated the statement. âYou look good nowâ became âyou didnât look good earlier." And I knew earlier meant me, a year ago, with an additional 15 kilograms attached not only to my body but also my identity.
When I shed a couple of kilograms due to illness, it felt out of the ordinary because until then, my sullen face was accustomed to watching the pointer on the weighing scale gravitate further to the right. Here I was, barely able to walk; but the faint trace of my collarbones became the silver lining. I guess I liked what I saw because thatâs what you see on magazine covers and thatâs what they want you to see. And so far, my job was only to be the fat cousin in the family and cry in trial rooms since the clothes I liked werenât made for me. So, I learnt to be complacent with what I had and what was made to cover it up. The curvy edition of "Say Yes to the Dress" became an effective coping mechanism â a reminder that the world isnât really all that harsh towards women like me.
Weight loss was never the mission because it never felt attainable. What happened was a result of working on my relationship with anxiety, food, and movement. I found joy in that process. However, when it was time to run into people again, I discovered that I became everyoneâs favorite definition of a "glow-up."
I didnât even realize I had glowed up until I was told I did.
I was told that I âmade the mostâ out of lockdown â on-brand considering quarantine memes related to weight gain became the new normal. For some, I even got that perfect revenge body because as my body was changing, I had an episode of heartbreak and naturally, that meant women needed fixing. So I kept quiet when I was told that the breakup was good because it (finally) made me skinny. I kept quiet when my mother nudged me to order a two-piece swimsuit because I couldnât recognize if she was the same person who, a year ago, insisted I return a mini skirt as it wasnât meant for me. I kept quiet, began counting calories, and got sucked into disordered eating where a teaspoon of sugar meant having to undergo a lifetimeâs worth of trauma all over again.
There was no end to how far you could go, because one day they want a thigh gap and the next day they want an ab crack. Itâs as if that feeling of being welcomed into and exalted by society, like Adele, is guaranteed at the drop of a size. Pretty privilege means you donât have to look out for solutions; you have the luxury of choice.
Yes, a glow-up can mean different things â from getting your hair dyed to a wardrobe makeover â but a fair chunk of that discourse is centered on weight loss. The glow-up transformation reels or becoming âthatâ girl as they call is evidence of that. Of course, there is no problem in wanting to change something out of your own will.
Iâve had all of my experience simmered down to, âOkay so your problem is that people are nice to you now.â Because maybe questioning the glow-up does not sell.
To tell you the truth, dear reader, Iâm not as mad with people as much as I am at myself for equating their opinions to my self worth; for carrying the weight of their expectations over them having to tolerate mine and my weight. Iâm grieving the loss of the person I was because she never asked questions; she was invisible and her anger had no place in the world. Now, Iâm learning that anger is gelatinous. So, Iâm taking my time with letting it stick to me and questioning what ânowâ really means. And as translucent as gelatin can be, itâs helping me sift through people for whom a âbefore and afterâ mattered, and those that never really cared.
Love, and the warmest of hugs,
Dalreen
(Dalreen Ramos crunches words for a living and draws when she runs out of them. She can be found at @dreaminthegardn on Twitter. You can also reply to her by hitting Reply to this email.)
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