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This week, I’m tackling a subject that has been on my mind a lot lately – and maybe yours, too.
What is it?
How do we deal with the mean people in our lives? And how do we stop wasting precious energy on them?
First, I’m going to share one of the most life-changing pieces of wisdom I ever received about this particular topic. But to do that, we must go back about ten years to one of my early yoga teacher training classes.
Let me set the scene.
The room was bathed in flickering candlelight and soothing Tibetan bell sounds filled the air. Everyone was sitting silently waiting for the teacher to begin class. And maybe that pause in activity is why I noticed a jarring plasticky smell. After a year or so of teaching yoga, I would be able to identify it as the tell-tale sign of a new yoga mat. But I was only training to be a yoga teacher at that point.
The smell just added to my angst that day. It’s been a lot of years since then, so I’m not sure why I was so fired up. Was it the divorce negotiations, a bully at work, or a driver in the Whole Foods parking lot?
Whatever it was, I was full of indignant New Age anguish about some rude transgression.
So, when the instructor of that day’s yoga teacher class asked what we were having difficulty with, I blurted without any self-restraint, “I can’t stand mean people.”
Then he asked the question I would learn was his go-to, “Tell me more.”
“Like, I get so pissed off at people who are mean. Why can’t they get therapy, take yoga, and do “the work” like we do?”
The teacher turned to a beautiful pony-tailed woman to my left. I knew we were of similar age, but she appeared serene, radiant, and calm. I, on the other hand, was bloated, fried, and sweaty.
“Jenna, is there something you would like to say?”
“Because that is where they are on their path,” Jenna answered.
What is this bs? “What do you mean?” I asked.
She smiled and nodded, but not in a know-it-all way, like she rang some imaginary buzzer in a metaphysical Wheel of Fortune. No, she said it in a tender, loving, I want to help you way.
I instantly wanted to be like that.
Jenna continued, “They are still suffering and don’t know the way out yet.”
The teacher nodded and smiled his Buddha-like smile. He said, “And it’s possible the universe put them in your path to teach you.”
“Ugh.” Wait, did I say that out loud? I quickly looked around to see if anyone heard me. It was clear by Jenna’s smile that at least she had. But her face wasn’t mean in any way. Her mouth was wide and her eyes soft. I smiled back at this woman, who would later introduce me to my Reiki teacher and psychic. And years later she would also invite me to do my first book signing at her studio.
Her words were probably among the most important anyone has ever said to me. I had a long-standing issue with mean people because of my childhood and without hearing this wisdom, I would still be dragged under by this Achilles heel.
And let’s face it, we all have mean people in our lives.
You know who they are: the ones who speak over you, belittle everyone else's ideas except their own, purposely exclude you from opportunities, create impossible deadlines and then shame you when you can’t meet them, change up the requirements for a task at the end and make you redo it, steal credit for your work and never give any kudos, and send aggressive and shaming messages that set you off balance for the rest of the day.
The truth?
This is their problem. And there is nothing you can do to change their toxic behavior.
So what can you do with this person?
Buddhism provides a great path to managing the bully in your life...
To continue reading (or listening), visit this page for the transcript and recording links.
You may also be interested in podcast Episode #3 – “Mindfulness for the Difficult Days” or Episode #11 – “ Finding Your Way to Peace and Happiness with Sharon Salzberg.
P.S. I posted a clip for this episode on YouTube, and someone wrote a nasty comment about it. So - I was bullied about an anti-bullying video. Too funny. (And I didn't respond to them - I just deleted the comment :)
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