Nope, there's no grand romantic soundtrack.

by Bansi Mehta

When I was 10, I thought being in a relationship would be exactly like those Channel V TV shows. You know what I mean? Those cheesy Bollywood-inspired romances with dramatic close-up shots of the actor and actress. They’d be uncomfortably close to each other, as slow music plays in the background. As a young viewer, I pictured myself in place of these girls on TV. They would end up with cool jacket-clad guys, and that would be their happily ever after. Many years of such trashy media consumption lead me to internalise this image of what ‘being in love’ would look like. But as I write this 10 years later, I’m here to report that being in love is different from that — to say the least.

I was in my first ever relationship at 19, in the middle of a worldwide pandemic.

This relationship in itself was fine- we respected each other, we were loyal, and we could always talk through our disagreements. But I always felt there was something missing. Without the romantic slow music IRL, there was a lot of scope for overthinking. I kept wondering whether we were doing it right.

Unlike pop culture, where you just know how to be a lover, being in a relationship was something I had to self-study and learn one thing at a time. You learn that once the chase is over — once you get together with somebody you love — the story is over. But actually, I learnt that that’s when it really begins!

Unfortunately for me, I was only able to make this connection after we had parted ways. So with a lot of retrospection (and zero nights of crying myself to sleep, ahem) I was able to narrow down three ways a real-life relationship was different from ideas I had of it.

If you’ve never been in a relationship, this could be of use to you and if you have been in one, I hope you find this cathartic!

1. Try not to burn yourself - with that fire in your veins.

Going into this relationship, I thought you need to turn up your affection by 75% and be a constant support system for your significant other at any time of the day. Think Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother, or Ross from Friends — they both felt a certain obsession for their partners, and this would manifest as constantly showering them with affection. I felt that I had to behave the same way, and this resulted in me having little to no personal space, and inevitably burning myself out. Looking back, I learnt that being with a partner is a bit like every other relationship in your life. You spend time together, have your own space, and don’t have to sacrifice that space to prove your love for them.

2.  Quit trying to perform or fit into the role of a lover.

Monogamous romantic relationships can easily become contractual — where one person plays the object of affection and the other, the simp. I also fell prey to these notions and felt like I had to play the role of a “girlfriend” — which to me meant performing a forced femininity — right from the way I looked, to the way I talked. This was too taxing, and I constantly felt I was messing up some scripted role when in reality all I had to do was.. improv! I was also guilty of extending some of these roles to my partner, forgetting in the chaos of it all that we’re both only human, who can play the part of ourselves.

3. In this world, it's just us?

Nope — set boundaries, and make sure your relationship isn’t your entire world. Pop culture can definitely make us believe that you don’t need anybody except your partner, but that’s not true! Think about it: if your life revolves around your partner, you’re making them single-handedly responsible for your happiness, which (as we shall learn multiple times in life), is only ours to look after.

Ever since, I’ve made it a point to spend ample time with my friends, family, and most importantly — myself!

So twenty-one year old Bansi would like you to leave this forced TED talk knowing that relationships look different for everybody. Channel V is only a good source of inspiration if you want to become a Roadie, and IRL romances are a lot different than what you see onscreen. But they're also more gratifying when we stop placing expectations on them, and just figure it out our own way.

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