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By: Rabbi Yossi Ives
Some people are overthinkers. They obsessively question their feelings and attraction, analyzing and doubting the suitability of a shidduch. They are rarely done deliberating. At most, they take breaks in their analyzing, before resuming their examination with gusto. This never leads to better decisions.
While overthinkers tend to overthink everything, it can becomes especially debilitating when it comes to marriage. This is because marriage is a major decision with profound and broad ramifications, and because deciding who to marry is genuinely complicated. Overthinkers have a lot here to overthink.
Even a person who is not a chronic overthinker can get caught in the loop of continual uncertainty, struggling to achieve clarity, make a meaningful choice, or gain peace of mind.
Once a person engages in overthinking, there is no end. They start to question whether they really are attracted, if the chemistry is actually good, or whether the communication is satisfactory.
Understand that there is a vast difference between thinking and overthinking. In fact, they are opposites. Thinking is designed to help you make a decision; overthinking is designed to prevent you from making a decision. Thinking is intended to help you gain clarity; overthinking guarantees that you never achieve clarity. Thinking leads you to do things that reduce the chances of a mistake; overthinking directs you to avoid mistakes by doing nothing.
Thinking is vital for effective dating; overthinking makes it impossible to have effective dating. Once you have thought it through, asked all the relevant questions, and discussed things with a sound advisor, any additional thinking is superfluous. You know it is time to stop thinking, when all you are doing is endlessly rehashing the same things.
Whether there is a need for continued deliberation should not be judged by how urgently or sincerely you feel the need for it, but by whether it is leading to something constructive. Once it becomes apparent that the ongoing contemplation isn’t achieving greater clarity, it is time to stop subjecting the shidduch to a death by a thousand thoughts.
If you are an overthinker, it is exceedingly hard to break out of the cycle on your own. Your mind is wired to stop you doing so. Seek whatever help you can to free yourself of this debilitating frame of mind, so you can make a decision.
To reach the author: Yossi@DateWell.org
To read the article online: https://datewell.org/bond/overthinking-doesnt-lead-to-better-choices/
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