, I have wanted to do a Silent Retreat for as long as I can remember. For many years there has been a quiet longing in my soul to spend time in nature, to be quiet and still, ‘alone’, to listen, to simply BE.
But there were so many reasons why I couldn’t go and do a silent retreat! Too many deadlines, too much to do, not enough time, not enough money, blah, blah, blah…
I kept telling myself “I can’t possibly take time away for me like that! The things I have to do are too important; there are too many people depending on me!”
But a few weeks ago, the quiet longing would no longer be ignored. The whisper to be silent and still rose into an internal scream that stopped me in my tracks. Literally! Right in the middle of my day, in the middle of what I was doing, a swirl of energy rose within me, leaving me completely incapacitated. I had to stop. Right then and there, I had to stop and listen or I felt I would go insane! I walked away from my computer. I turned off my phone. I stopped doing everything and walked outside.
I sat on my deck in silence. After a few hours, I had this moment of revelation, “If I stopped doing things right now, it wouldn’t matter. If I stopped existing right now in this moment, it really wouldn’t matter! Sure, there are people who would miss me for a while, but in all honesty, the world would carry on without me.”
That moment was a gift, a turning point. Once I looked at things from the perspective that what I did really didn’t matter, I was free to look more carefully at what I’d been thinking, at the stories I’d been telling myself, how my ego had been running my life. I was continually doing things to prove to others that I DID matter. I told myself I was worthy because of what I accomplished.
More hours of silence and inner reflection…
I realized that, on a deeper level, I was also telling myself that everything I had to do was so much more important than what I wanted and needed! I wasn’t worth investing resources in.
Then I decided that what I was telling myself was a big fat lie.
I am worth caring for! I am worth investing in! I am worthy simply because I am here! Who I am does make a difference… more than what I do!
And I decided to prove it to myself by taking that Silent Retreat I’ve been longing for all these years. Last week I spent 4 glorious days and nights in a tiny cabin in the woods, without running water and electricity, being in nature, being in silence, listening…
And I will tell you more about that experience and the wisdom I gained from my Silent Retreat in our next issue of Heart and Mind Matters.
Until then, I invite you to be bathed in my new-found inner peace, calm, and wisdom, by joining me in one of these experiences this week…