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By: Rabbi Yossi Ives
Dating is a game of two. From the outset, you aren’t looking to find a person as much as looking to form a relationship. Two people may admire or even like each other, but unless they can strike up a meaningful connection it is unlikely to result in marriage.
Your dating approach should reflect that mindset. Yes, dates help you learn information about the other person, but more importantly, they help you discover whether the two of you can build a successful relationship.
While you may start out focused on whether the other person fits your criteria for a spouse, it’s important to shift fairly quickly toward creating trust and rapport. Dating isn’t only about assessing the other person’s suitability; it’s also about showing your own.
The topics you choose to discuss should reflect your interests and priorities, but they should also help the other person feel heard and understood. Likewise, the venues you pick should take into account how the other person might feel—not just your own preferences.
You should give appropriate compliments and other supportive input, even if doing so doesn’t come naturally to you, as it will make the other feel valued and appreciated. You may be full of energy and want the date to go on longer, but pay attention to whether the person you’re dating is flagging.
In a good marriage, each spouse makes it their business to address the others’ needs. As dating progresses, should increasingly adopt the mentality of a couple. You may not yet be in an official relationship, but you are both ‘trying it on for size’. Dating is a transition from ‘me’ to ‘we’, and being other-focused lays the foundation for a strong future relationship.
A key challenge to being other-focused is when you are focused on your own fears and anxieties, or when you give significant attention to your own doubts and confusion. Without intending to, you become self-absorbed, leaving the other person feeling overlooked or left out.
When you’re absorbed in your internal worries, you can get stuck in a mental loop. As you try to sort out your own feelings, you may neglect to include the other person and to nurture the connection. Your fears become central, while your efforts to build trust and closeness diminish.
That’s why it’s vital to remind yourself before each date: “I’m not dating myself. What is my role in creating a positive experience? How can I help the other person walk away feeling great about the date?”
For more articles on dating, please visit www.datewell.org.
To reach the author: Yossi@DateWell.org
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