Grump's Ground Rules for Mortals and other Non-Aggregates
My chisel be damned author insists that I thank Ben from Steelhaven Studio for the new artwork first, I'll be honest I don't hate it.
Dear Grump,
Hey there! Vilding here. If you didn’t know it, I’m a 16-year-old goblin and I’m the best assassin of everyone in my clan. However, due to debt, last year, I was placed in the service of a very wealthy dwarf family. I like it. It’s nice. I get to follow their son Wolfred around the world and protect him from getting into too much trouble. Problem is, see, that Wolfred wants to marry me. I like him, I really do. He’s young and brave and handsome – for a dwarf – and really handy with that axe of his, but I’m not sure I’m in love with him. Plus, my family wouldn’t be pleased, no sir! Not that I’m looking for any advice, but if you were me, what would you do?
Dear Vilding,
You know when I first started doing this advice column I thought people would ask me where to sell stolen spaceship parts, how to hide a body in 4-easy steps, poisonous plants for every season. But no, I get relationship advice.
Yeah, yeah, stop poking me, Mr. Author.
Ok, Vilding, back to your problem.
As an assassin, this kinda answers itself, doesn’t it? Is the coin that good that you can’t just slip a blade between some ribs or ‘accidentally’ have your back turned when the stone chips are down? I’m sure there are other jobs out there for someone with your talents.
Oh wait, I take it you LIKE this Wolfred character?
Fine... Let me think.
Ok, this is how I see it. He’s young right? and if the Mother of Chisels is generous, he’ll have a long life, longer than some other races, like say goblin... It isn’t easy to talk about, but look at me, I’m 489 years old, I have lichen on my butt older than you.
My advice? Have some fun with him, smash up a couple taverns, shed some blood, but let him know that is as far as your relationship will go. I know dwarves, some have been friends, and one thing they all have in common is their sense of tradition. Either he will mature and his eye will go elsewhere or one/both of your families will step in and you’ll find yourself out of a job.
Live for today, tomorrow will sort itself out.
If YOU have a question for Grump, email peterjohnfoote@gmail.com with "Dear Grump" in the subject line.
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