my wonderful sycophants!

Did you know, once upon a time, in my drunken youth back in the 90s- I and a few nameless others (Luke and Wookie were definitely not involved) had a hand in the grand liberation of the 45A bus stop at 3am on a Monday night?

I’d like to think it was in rebellion against the oppressive new paint jobs said busses had recently suffered (Irish buses should be green, and not the stinking yellow they’d recently been painted.) The crescendo to this tale is that because we felt guilty that people would miss their bus, we replaced it with an old wooden broom and a large sign smeared with glitter and love that said…um… bus stop.

It is actually a really funny story.

When told properly.

Its probably not true either.

But then again, most of my stories aren’t true.

But now is not the time for aren’t quite true but also ridiculously funny stories.

Now is the time for greatness.

Like me.

For finishing the greatest story of them all.

And next week, you’ll have it in your hands.

I’m joking of course, because it is out tomorrow!!

Fine!!!!

Its actually out TODAY!!!!!

So, that’s it.

After ten long years of writing, I am finally done. And now I’ve nothing to do. I suppose I could go back to writing my secret project that will be massive, whenever it comes out. How do I know? And how do I know you guys will want it? PARTICULARLY AFTER THE END OF THE “SPARK CITY” CYCLE???

Just a hunch is all.

So Rob, when you aren’t wondering about how well The Actions of Gods is being received, what have you being doing?- I imagine you fuks asking.

Well, thanks for asking fukers- I’ve spent most of this week hanging out with Olivia, my pet brown bag… wait… are you guys still reading?

Seriously, there’s a new book to be read.

This email was written a few hours ago.

Hello from the past!!!

But also from the future!!!!

I’m already drunk as fuk scrambling through my emails trying to remember the cooking method of a crisp sandwich from last launch day.

Oh, you guys don’t remember?

Well, gather round. It is that time of email that I show you guys how to make the perfect crisp sandwich…no.

No.

Fuken no!!!!

We are not doing that again.

I took so much shit from friends and fans alike over my methods.

Fuk off.

My way was the right way.

Where was I?

I don’t think it matters, I bet there’s about 4% of you still reading this/ What the fuk????

Download the NEW FUKEN BOOK.

You freaks!!!

Look at you, seeing if I’ll sneak in some information.

I have nothing.

I am but a broken author, standing in front of you, asking you to buy his books so he can have money.

Wait, no…ahem… I mean…

I write for I am an artist.

I do it for legacy and pride!

To stand above you peasants and place upon you fulfilment of the soul…

And certainly not so I can pay off my mortgage and buy that really nice hat that is stalking me on Facebook. Seriously. It looks amazing. It has a parrot glued on the side. How does the facebook know me so well?

Someone is persevering, aren’t they?

So apart from hanging out with Olivia the bag all week, I’ve been playing a lot of steam deck.

I completed Sunkenland, in fact.

But Rob, how do you complete a game with no end?

I just fuken did okay.

Seriously, this is all nonsense. You absolutely should have stopped reading by now.

I snuck a little camera into every digital copy sold, so that I could spy all my fans reading and guess what, everyone else is reading.

YOU ARE WAY BEHIND!!!!

Dave has even reached the part with the lizard monkey riders coming from the deep north!!!!

And now you have gotten a taste of the stress I feel missing deadlines as I do.

Anyway, yeah, I played a fuk ton of Sunkenland this last month and it’s a great, flawed, fun game. But oh, there are so many more games out there that I NEED. Seriously, a whole spate of awesome games just came out. I can’t remember the last time a bunch of awesome games came out so close together.

Actually I do.

*sad music plays, the camera pans in slowly on my ever so quivering face and a solitary tear slips from my left eye*

“We called it triple F week. We still talk about it in the Power household. While the 90’s had music and movies. The 00’s definitely owned games, and triple F week was the epitome of gaming. Fallout 3, Far Cry 2, and the incredible Fable 2 all came out one week in October 08. What a time to be a gamer. I managed a video store in that magical time, and me and my staff were all passionate gamers- every night after work we would play online or else race each other to get the highest Gamerscore (I won- fuk you Bren!!)”

*fades to black*

And scene.

…wow, I really am hitting the retrospective tales these days, aren’t I? It's like I’ve reached the end of an era and looked back and thought “What the fuk have I been doing for the last decade?”

Also- while I’m rambling - I should point out, the bus stop was knocked down for a few months before we stole it. It was lying across the pavement. One might say it was a good deed we did. And besides, Irish buses should be green. That’s the rules. Look at our trains. They are green and everyone is cool as fuk with it. If war breaks out, they’re the only way to travel. Fuken no one see us in the trains.

Anyway, the games industry is shit at the moment, but thankfully from the depths of mediocrity there has sprung some gems, and I need you guys to buy my books so I can guiltlessly buy them all at full price.

If I buy these games and play them- that’s it. I’m done writing for a while. A long while. So I think the crux of this email is, if you want to see me write more- you shouldn’t buy my books at all. And especially don’t buy my new book.

It will just go on offer next week anyway (it actually won’t ever go on offer- but I had to put this line in to appease my email overlords if I wanted to keep this joke going.)

So, again, on launch day, let me one more time reiterate, you probably shouldn’t buy the book if you want me to keep writing.

Unless you are secretly one of my many enemies.

OOOOH, I have a lot of enemies and all.

Did you fuks know that if YOU buy my book and I make loads of money I won’t write anymore?

So, dear enemies, I think the point of this email is DO buy my book.

And then I can also buy a moat.

That’s right.

I’m talking about my fuken moat again.

A moat isn’t just for Christmas either.

It’s for life!!

With a moat I can hide away from all of my deadlines in my little cage.

Seriously, who the fuk is reading this?

Audiobook fans, that’s who.

I have no news for you except they who are in the know hold the new script and are most eager to get all of us paid. It’s a long and arduous process recording my brilliance, but as soon as they let me know the release date, I will send out a post letting you all know.

Because I’ll need the DLC for those games as well.

Also, do you guys know how tall a bus stop actually is?

It's really fuken tall.

And heavy too.

One drunken grunger wouldn’t have the strength to carry that thing alone.

Please buy my book!!

I would like you to buy my book, read it, and leave a review.

And start naming your kids Erroh, Lea, Wynn, Roja and Lillium - fuken Emir too.

That’s really good publicity and long term promotion.

First one to name their kid after a Spark City character gets a book that I kicked down the stairs.

Right, I love you fuken legends so much!!!!!!

Take care of yourselves and each other.

The Rob

Ps- oh shit I forgot,

Please, drop a tweetx, an insta post, facebook love in, fuken anything.

Let the world know that all things must end.