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By: Rabbi Yossi Ives
Some people caution against asking “personal questions” during dating — but the purpose of dating is to explore questions of a personal nature. Dating is about sharing what you and your date think and feel — that is inherently personal. Almost every question you ask on a date is personal, and rightly so.
Yes, some people may not be comfortable being asked personal questions. But the essence of dating is mutual self-disclosure: gradually increasing openness and sharing personal information. As dating progresses, questions naturally become more personal — and that’s intentional. The goal is to ask personal questions in the most effective and sensitive way.
Ease Into the Topic
When people are caught off guard, they are more likely to fumble their words or say things they regret. When introducing a new topic, start with a brief preamble. Provide a short introduction to help your date understand the perspective from which your question is coming. This will also give the other person a few moments to organize their thoughts and get comfortable with the topic.
For example, “I’d love to hear your view about giving candy to kids. Growing up, my parents weren’t extreme, but they didn’t let us have too much. What are your thoughts?”
This example includes several valuable elements:
1) It announces a new topic, rather than springing it unexpectedly.
2) It asks permission, securing the other’s buy-in.
3) It uses an open-ended question instead of a definitive yes-or-no question.
4) It offers insight into your perspective, which helps put the other person at ease.
Let the Other Person Frame Their Response
The most important principle is letting the other person respond on their own terms. Don’t force them into a format you choose. For example, don’t ask “Do you get along with your parents?”, but rather “How would you describe your relationship with your parents?”
The first is a closed question implying a yes-or-no answer. The second lets them choose how to respond. Open-ended questions make it easier to explain nuance than closed ones.
Offer to Share First
Another way to handle personal questions is to offer to go first. For example, when discussing views on healthy eating, you might say: “I’d love to hear your views on healthy eating. My parents weren’t health fanatics, but I grew up in a health-conscious home. How would you like to live? Would you like me to share my perspective first?”
Offering to go first can be helpful for several reasons:
1) This may not be a topic they discuss often, so it gives the other person more time to formulate their response.
2) It provides information about your perspective, which they can take into consideration when they respond.
3) It demonstrates emotional intelligence and sensitivity, which is valuable in dating.
Consider making a list of personal questions you may ask on a date, and practice framing your questions following these principles.
To reach the author: Yossi@DateWell.org
For more articles on dating, please visit www.datewell.org.
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