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By: Rabbi Yossi Ives
Good things don’t always come easy. It’s not inherently unreasonable that someone may need more time to open up, feel comfortable, or achieve clarity. Dating is not a race, and it is not a case of whoever gets there first wins. What matters is to make the right choice, not to do so within an arbitrary time frame.
However, sometimes people seek more time or more dates as a way of stalling, as a means of buying time. The person doing so is usually unaware that this is the dynamic, but that doesn’t make things any more functional. Dragging out the dating for no real benefit is not fair to the other party, but more importantly it’s damaging.
While dating should not be rushed, and some people genuinely need more time, it is important to avoid things slipping in a kind of “mini-marriage”, where dating becomes a routine that they get used to. This means that a friendship-type relationship develops, and the focus on marriage becomes obscured. There is usually no benefit in having more dates just for the sake of it.
Shidduch dating heavily relies on maintaining momentum, and it falters when caught in a holding pattern. Even just a few dates without progress can lead to steep decline. Dates that lack objectives or forward movement can pose risks to the budding relationship. When dating fails to advance, it's likely to stagnate.
Strikingly, people often overlook this reality. Dating might persist simply because one party feels stuck. This limbo continues until the dating suddenly appears to collapse, though in truth, it was an accumulation of multiple aimless dates that led to this point. Decline is a frequent consequence of allowing a shidduch to drift without purpose or direction.
A shidduch that took considerable time and effort to build up can deflate alarmingly quickly. Dating may be compared to riding up a mountain. It will typically be a gradual process, as you inch closer to the peak. The peak itself is small. If you don’t seize the moment and continue riding, you will start going downhill. Once heading downward, gravity takes effect, and you can find yourself hurtling downhill with all the progress speedily unravelling.
It is best in these situations for a clear framework and timeline to be created to guide the final decision process. If one party is lacking clarity, what are the remaining questions that need answering? Then they need to focus on addressing those. If the issue is feelings, then they need to take proactive steps to create the optimal conditions for this to develop. Prolonging the process will not make it any easier – and the chances of failure begin to increase.
To reach the author: Yossi@DateWell.org
For more articles on dating, please visit www.datewell.org.
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