For the 10th consecutive year, Shluchos attending the Kinus HaShluchos had the opportunity to meet Shadchanim at the Oholei Torah ballroom. Many thanks to Shadchanim Shandel Blasberg, Rochel Bryski, Mushki Krasnanski-Chayo, Libby Chein, Chaya Cohen, Masha Donat, Chumy Delevkovitz, Miri Farro, Rivky Fellig, Gitel Chaya Fogel, Leah Gansburg, Mashie Greenberg, Cipi Junik, Shaina Katz, Dalia Kurtzweil, Toby Leider, Shoshan Lifshitz, Leah Lipszyc, Yocheved Miler, Leah Namdar, Leah Perl, Chani Raksin, Rivky Raskin, Chava Richler, Miriam Schmukler, Rivkah Torenheim, Chani Vogel, and Sarah Yarmush, who met with Shluchos, and Perel Namdar and Rochel Namdar for welcoming and guiding the Shlichus.

By: Rabbi Yossi Ives

People are fond to pronounce what is the most important thing when it comes to dating. “The most important thing is that she is really kind,” some opine. “Attraction is the key. Without that, the shidduch won’t go anywhere,” others claim. “It’s vital that I respect him; a relationship has to be built on respect,” some insist. “Yiras Shomayim is the most critical; if that is present, everything else will fall into place.

None of this is correct. Not one of those items, or any single item, can be said to be the central quality to seek in a potential marriage partner. The only thing that can be said to truly indicate the likelihood of marriage success is compatibility. A high level of suitability across all the main relevant areas is what most meaningfully predicts the chances of the union working out well. So, what does compatibility consist of?

Of course, there are many aspects. But above all else, it comes down to how well the two are as a couple. How good a team are they? How well do they get along? Yes, it is important that they have values in common, that there is mutual attraction, that the two individuals have common or at least compatible goals – but ultimately the two people will have to share a life together, and that requires two individuals who know how to bring the best out of each other.

A favorite message of our is that a great marriage is not created by the union of two great people, but the pairing of two people who can create something great. The most successful or happy union is not by pairing a perfect man with a perfect woman. What will determine that is the quality of the partnership that they created.

Key questions to ask include:

• Do I feel accepted for the person that I am?
• Do I feel well understood, or do we often misunderstand each other?
• Do I feel listened to, or do I often get shut down?
• Can we successfully work through differences, or do antagonize each other?
• Does he build me up or put me down?
• Do I feel good being around her, or do I find she’s irritating?

Ideally, there will be many positive features of the relationship. Hopefully, you look forward to seeing her. Preferably, you feel a strong emotional connection. It would be nice if you shared lots of common interests. It would be amazing if you were excited about joining his family. But these are not the most essential qualities.

Put simply: it is a great thing if there are things you like about the person – but it is far more important that you like the person. The benefit of the things that you like about the person – her appearance, his charisma, her family, his job – will wane much more quickly than the qualities that caused you to like the person and they contribute minimally towards marital success.

Contact the author at: yossi@datewell.org.

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