Hello everyone!

This is a monthly newsletter from Kasia and Jura. This month we want to talk about socially accepted behaviors that people consider to be normal and often fail to see for what they are - abuse.

Most of us internalized abusive patterns while growing up. If you look at your self-talk, is it loving, respectful, and validating? If yes, lucky you. If not, welcome to our culture, where abusive patterns are very common. We accept this way of relating because we don't have the resources to change it. We are not educated about how to create and nourish loving relationships, process uncomfortable feelings together, and manage conflicts, therefore, we don’t know that there is an alternative.

And this is why this month we chose to address the elephant in a room - normalized abuse.

This is Kasia speaking. When I embarked on my Radical Honesty journey, I felt overwhelmed by the realization of how much objectifying there was in my family and my thinking. Things I had previously considered to be normal, like my mom (a sweet woman) giving me advice on what I should have done differently when I was upset, my friend telling me that I am too weird and needy, me telling myself that I am lazy, overly emotional, and irresponsible, suddenly stood out to me as really not loving. 

With time I could also notice my subtle and not-so-subtle self-neglect patterns, such as the way I tend to focus on rejection, how I torture myself by judging myself negatively and comparing myself to others, or how I choose to stay in codependent relationships… And there was no one else to blame but me - so I ended up going down the spiral of self-blame. 

At first, I felt scared, lost, and ashamed. I judged myself as cruel. I was thinking that there’s no way I can be happy because happiness can only be found within me and, within me, there’s violence and doom. So I did more self-abuse on top of recognizing my self-abuse. I felt helpless and I blamed myself for how “negative” I was - which of course created even more suffering. I am now thinking this is a rather short and simplified version of what some people call shadow work. I don’t know how necessary that was but I know I’m glad I had supportive people around me during that time. 

What helped me was hearing people acknowledge and accept what I was going through: 

My whole body reacted strongly to those sentences. I craved to hear them and with time, slowly, I have internalized them as my new inner self-talk. I don’t think I can give enough credit to how it has changed my life. 

Later on, having people relate to me in such a loving way was a big part of healing. Another one was all the work I’ve done in therapy and with Radical Honesty: acknowledging my anger, validating and processing it together. 

That is important because, in the end, we tend to be abusive towards ourselves and others when we are secretly angry. And we stay angry until we finally acknowledge and validate our emotions, feel them as they come and go, and surround ourselves with supportive and loving people. You can do so - and if you’re reading this, you are probably already on this journey. Keep it up. And if you wish to have more support, Jura is there to coach you. 

We like to think that abuse starts from objectifying somebody’s feelings and actions - including my own. Objectify means to treat as an object. Objects are static, emotionless, and can be manipulated by shape or form. Objects are not vulnerable, humans are. If you try to fit a living being (yourself included) into your static ideas and disregard their real experience, you’ll probably hurt them. Living beings are meant to be related to - and not be used to fulfill one’s expectations.

If you’re not sure whether you can spot abuse and self-abuse, click the button below to read some common examples. We invite you to notice the sensations in your body as you read them and take pauses if you want to.

There are two very common forms of self-abuse that Jura finds very important to mention - and they both have to do with how we process our emotions. 

First, we often neglect ourselves by making other people’s needs and ideas more important than ours. We do that automatically, and we get to live another person’s life so we don’t have to feel our own… pain, discomfort, fear, and desire. This form of self-abuse is more common than any of us can notice. It’s an epidemic, and a very rewarding one. Do you know how some people are always so convenient and comfortable to hang out with? If you don’t know such people, it’s probably because you are one of them. 

Conflict avoidance, peace-making, self-doubt, guilt, and shame for speaking up or wanting something are all strategies to be convenient to others. It slowly drains our soul and leaves us depleted, yet we do it because it feels safe. 

Another form of self-abuse is withholding - holding back your expression. We often withhold that we feel sad, angry, or hurt by the people we love. We even withhold love from the people we love. By doing so, we think that we keep the relationships safe (static). But we put our health in danger. We learned that the only thing withholding maintains is a shitty quality of connection and the illusion of liking each other. If a relationship cannot survive you sharing how you feel, it’s not a good relationship. Put that on your mirror and repeat it every day.

You denying your feelings and invalidating your experience, is not bringing you any closer to the intimacy, love, and trust that you want to have in your relationship. And honestly - do you want the people you love to lie to you about how they feel? Would you expect a friend to ignore or deny the fact that they have been hurt? If not, then why would you do it yourself?

I like to explain it with the analogy of anatomy. Imagine that, in your friendship, it is assumed that you should be a one-handed person, it's just safer this way because two-handed people have more power and can hurt others. So you keep one hand behind your back. You both pretend that you’re one-handed but from time to time your other hand starts to hurt and you need to stretch it (because it’s alive and dynamic). When the hand starts to hurt so bad that you cannot keep it behind, you go to a doctor and ask them to cut it off in order to maintain your friendship. This is what my clients come to me for - to operate their "useless" emotions away so they never have to feel them and never have to threaten their relationships. I tell them that learning how to live with your emotions and use both of your hands can improve the quality of your friendship rather than destroy it and this is how to do it… (insert 3 months of coaching).

If you present yourself as always happy and comfortable for other people, you will likely struggle to stay connected to yourself and your friends when you feel sad, angry, or hurt - and all of us feel that way sometimes.

Transforming abusive patterns in ourselves and our relationships is a process. It takes time and willingness to acknowledge what we truly feel, with all discomfort it may cause - and sitting with that discomfort until it changes. Until we change. What helps is being honest about what we feel, again and again, reaching out and connecting with people who are willing to be real and vulnerable with us. By validating our feelings and expressing our truth we are learning how to be loving towards ourselves and others. And this is why we love this work so much.

Advanced Radical Honesty™ practice group is designed to deepen your skills of noticing & reporting, increase the quality of connection, and help you complete the hangups of the past. This meetup is for experienced practitioners who attended at least one Radical Honesty weekend workshop or a 4-week introduction course.

By joining the meetups you can continue the practice you've started on the weekend workshop or an online course. You will also find a group of committed practitioners and most likely make some new friends amongst them.

Process unfinished business from past relationships, integrate obsessive thinking and emotional turmoil, practice asking for what you want, work through challenges with Radical Honesty in real-life, and much more! You can join a single meetup or stay for longer.