How do I chart my own path and values?

by Nuha Bubere

Hug or Handshake. If it came from a boy, both options were a solid no. That's what my parents said. You know how in every circle of friends there's a Cinderella who has to be home before the clock strikes twelve? Or in my case way before twelve. That was me, with the exception of a prince, of course.

Growing up, my habits seemed different from other kids my age - my parents followed the ‘Conservative Checklist’. My father's conviction in God was unparalleled. He was the one who made sure that my siblings and I prayed every day and kept to our faith. I used to find an unusual fascination whenever I heard my father read the holy scriptures or recite stories from them. Learning about my religion and its beliefs made me feel closer to my family.

But being in my family was like being in a world that was half conservative and half progressive. You had the freedom to work because one needed to be self-sufficient, but only in positions that suited our upbringing and background; such as medicine. You are permitted to wear clothing of your choice to college, as long as it is decent and respectable, but in the neighbourhood, traditional attire was a must with the head covered at all times because our neighbours and relatives cannot think any differently of us. You are encouraged to compete in academics with the opposite gender, but never to engage in lighthearted banter with them.

I was born and raised on the outskirts of Mumbai. It's far away for me to call myself a resident, yet close enough to travel daily. My decision to pursue higher education in Mumbai proved to be a genuine eye-opener. It was a clash between the values I was raised on and the new, yet strangely refreshing place I found myself in. For starters, it was sort of like a ritual to hug your friends goodbye, irrespective of gender. As someone who was told that affection of that nature is reserved only for your partner, it was an Unagi moment for me. But I went along with it because I didn't want to be labelled as impolite or odd. This was only an introductory course. For my parents, Naitik became Nidhi, and group projects had only female partners; if there were any males, I didn't talk to them, or so my parents thought. College trips were allowed on the promise of no straying into ‘Boy Zones’. If I ever played Never Have I Ever, I'm quite sure I'd feel the same way Naina did.

The struggle was real, let me tell you. To go out with friends, I had to beg and plead with my mother promising to return early while my brothers had it easy, simply because they were the carriers of XY chromosomes. My mother would go as far as to say that these friends were 'corrupting' me. While visiting my high-end cousins in the city, I felt the cultural difference like a gentle slap on my face. They didn’t have to question their actions the way I had to and for that I envied them.

The truth is, I enjoy the freedom of expressing myself and making my own decisions, which would not have been possible if I had remained in my conservative shell. But I respect my conservatism too, because - deep down - I relate to it, and it taught me responsibility and commitment. It’s a part of me, even if it’s frustrating. And if I learned to respect my religion because of my parents' conservatism, then I learned to respect someone else's through my own experiences. Expecting my parents to forgo their ideologies and accept mine would be a long shot, but allowing them to mould my personality is NOT OKAY. After a certain point, you stop listening to what others say and focus on what you want to say.

So to quote Taylor - "The idea you had of me, who was she?" A liberal, a conservative, or just someone on a rebellious spree? Rachel Green's words sum it up best, "It’s like all of my life everyone has always told me you’re a shoe, you’re a shoe, you’re a shoe, you’re a shoe. And then today, I just stopped and I said, what if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I want to be a purse, you know, or a hat?”

Henceforth, acknowledge me as a pen. A pen that charts its own path, regardless of its surroundings.

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