Hot home-cooked meals with a side of sexism

by Aditi Bainss

When I was a kid, I remember fluffy, warm phulke plopping onto my plate at every meal. Chilled raita fetched from the fridge for Papa when he asked and my sister’s requests for a fresh spoon or fork fulfilled in the blink of an eye. What I don’t remember, however, is the three of us sitting with Maa and having a full meal together.

The kitchen has exerted a stranglehold on women for centuries. They clean, they cook, they serve, and they clear the table once everyone is done eating. When they finally sit down to have their own meal, they’re already planning the next meal.

Since I turned 18 or 19, I started asking Maa to sit with us on the dining table for meals. My requests, and even vexed demands at times, are often met with her insistence and resistance. “I like serving you all garam-garam phulke, it’s not like I have a 9-5 job that tires me out”, she said. So even in a house where my sister and I did very little housework, Papa cut fruits and made tea, and we had house help, the idea that a woman’s efficacy in the kitchen and on the dining table ties into her worth still goes hand in hand.

This misogyny doesn’t hold just wives and mothers in its clutches. It slithers down to daughters and sisters and nieces too. Can you think of the last time you were asked to get up from your chair and fetch a glass of water for your brother? Or when you were asked to pause your study or work to cut sabzi and not your father because he had to sort out his WhatsApp forwards for the day? Or when your mother asked you - and not a male family member - to help clear out dishes on the dining table? Was it as recent as today?

Don’t get me wrong. Cooking and serving food to your loved ones can be an incredible expression of love and nourishment. My issue lies in when its responsibility - along with the associated chores - is unreasonably and unfairly imposed on women. When the great Indian dining table only serves patriarchal expectations and archaic ideals of a sanskaari bhartiya parivaar.

So what do you do when you get a steaming, hot pile of misogyny chucked into your plate? Watching feminist movies around your family members hoping they’d get the hint is a shot in the dark. And confronting elder family members can be daunting.

Instead of a high-tempered verbal fight, call out instances of sexism politely, yet assertively. “Maa, phulke from the casserole are warm. I’d prefer you sitting with us instead of in the kitchen’s heat”, “I’m in the middle of my meal. I’m sure my brother can get a glass of water himself”, “Papa, let’s each cut half the veggies; divide and conquer!”, “Why don’t we all pick up a utensil or two and put it in the sink”. Inform, educate, and encourage equal sharing of chores. But also know this - If you are consistently met with hostile replies like “do what you’re told”, don’t be afraid to say no. Don’t be afraid to get loud.

Because my greatest wish for you is to live in an equitable household where your autonomy is respected. And I will continue to preach what I practice till primetime Indian soaps - with scenes of wives and mothers and daughters and sisters serving food to male family members - finally lose their charm for every generation of an Indian family.

Aditi Bainss is a writer and editor currently in Bengaluru, India. When not writing about food and culture she tirelessly talks about books on @StoriesIveLoved.

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