People are often bewildered why a seemingly promising Shidduch turns to dust. Why if the person found so many positive qualities in the other, did they struggle to move forward? How can it be that things started off so well, but then they experienced strong resistance?

This happens very commonly, and there is more than one possible reason for this. But when this occurs, it is vital to first try to understand what is going on before deciding that the Shidduch won’t work. That new, less positive information has come to the fore is one obvious possible explanation – but it is by no means the only one.

A key reason why people will undergo this experience during dating is because they are a more complicated personality. This means that their character consists of two (occasionally more) distinct personalities – and those personalities pull in opposing directions. Those two sides to their character are looking for different and not always easily matched qualities.

It is therefore possible that a person may start off positive – driven by one side of their self – but then experience push-back – caused by a different part of themselves. It is possible that someone will be torn, conflicted, and confused, because one side of their character is happy with the Shidduch, while another side is not okay with it.

Rarely are people aware of their internal complexities, and therefore have no idea how this could be affecting the way they respond to Shidduchim. So many people say that they don’t know what to do with themselves, as they are at a loss to make sense of what they really want, or what they should do about a particular Shidduch.

It is often the case in these situations that each side of themselves has different reaction. The Shidduch is literally pulling them apart. No wonder their head hurts and their nerves are frayed. They say “I don’t know what I want” when there is no single “I”, but a multiple “we.” That is how it is possible to both want something and not want it at the same time.

If this is the case, it is likely to keep repeating itself. We need to be smarter about how we deal with this, to save people a great deal of needless aggravation. We need to be doing a lot more figuring things out, and a lot less walking away.

To contact the author: yossi@tagdevelopment.org