More on that as the email goes on.

Until then…

…

…

Greetings from my cage, my wonderful sycophants.

How are we all doing this sunny, spring day?

I’m doing great. Apart from the fire that is.

But more about that later.

Let’s begin with an update on my creative genius and current work in project.

I really should have told you guys what it is already, but the anticipation and tease is just too enjoyable.

Half way.

Half way already and only three months into the new year.

More than that, I finally allowed someone to read some of it. It wasn’t my arch nemesis. I asked her to read it, but she declined… before heading into my front room where the main fireplace was and causing a fire to nearly burn the entire house down.

But now is not the time to go on about that just yet.

The person who did read it, didn’t entirely hate it.

That’s a good thing, right?

Actually, they loved it. And that’s why I pay them.

Besides, they know I’m pot committed, so I’m not going to give up at this stage.

I can reveal that the project’s “super-secret, totally unexpected, red type of thing” title will be the showcase of next month’s mail.

So, like, any day from tomorrow onwards.

You see, I started this email on March 31^st so technically this still counts as March’s email. Them’s the rules, don’t hate the game- hate the players.

Please don’t hate me. Buy my books. Leave me reviews. Make me feel special.

And not just because I can extinguish fires before they engulf me and my Nemesis in our final battle to the death. Or to our definitive word count target.

Anyway, back to this month’s email… which is now set in the future…

They who sign my cheques and stunt my lunacy have provided quite a number of things to know.

They told me to begin with this announcement before anything else, so naturally I’ve put it a third of the way into this mail. That’s actually not the worst for me.

Trumpets and loud cheering, please.

NEW RAVEN ROCK AUDIO BOOK ABOUT TO BE RELEASED!!!!!!!

Now see - this is actually freaking awesome news, because it’s come at a time when I really need money. Even more than normal, because I have to pay for the damages done in the fire.

…….

The fire……

…..

Okay, so fuk Lcass.

Absolutely fuk Lisa Cassidy.

There.

I’ve said it.

It’s out there.

Go get her, guys!!!! (Actually don’t. Because she’ll send her guys after me and they are freaking crazy fiends altogether and she has way more of an army of fans than me.)

Besides, she’s kind of awesome.

And I fuken hate that about her as well.

Anyway, she is my nemesis.

She has been for oh, five or six years now. I hate her. Because she’s so awesome at writing. She’s so irritatingly witty and kind, and disarmingly intelligent, and whoa, can she put up with my shit more than most and better than the rest.

So all in all, a better person than me altogether.

So naturally, I must destroy her.

(In sales)

So, why is she my Nemesis?

Surely I’ve amassed quite a throng of writers who hate me, and you would be right. I am disliked by quite a few, but they don’t make my list of one.

My nemalist if you will.

You might have seen she and I frequently battling in the charts these last few years. Like a frigging scales, always around each other. Sometimes bettering her, sometimes getting bettered. Ugh, the amount of times she’d send a quick screenshot at like 4 am (cos she lives in the less fun hemisphere) showing that she’d just pipped me to the top ten again and reminding me I was shite and all I could do was get on to my marketing team screaming “this bitch has done it again,” before retiring to the angry dome to formulate plans about world domination or at least Lcass domination.

Now, that I do the exact same thing to her, means nothing at all.

And yes, I know she’s reading this right now and fuming. In fact, by the time she gets to the next line, she will have already whattsapped me a fuk tonne of abuse, but that’s okay.

Because she knows she has it coming.

Because she was there that night the fire started.

You know what I’m talking about Lcass.

YOU FUKEN KNOW!!!!!!

Because of the fire damages done, I need to buy a new stove to replace the old fireplace and fuk me, they are expensive. Especially, the natural marble ones, with the uncut diamond screen, and the 9 carat gold inlays, with a sublime finish of eagle feather. So for me to afford these extravagant bits (with the potential of 20% more eagle), I need to make more money. So once again, for the second time, let me announce RAVEN ROCK ON AUDIOBOOK.

Prebook it here so I can make money.

Okay, okay, it’s not just about the money. I’m far enough into this email that I can be genuine.

I’m ridiculously excited about this launch, because on top of it being one of the funnest books I’ve ever done, it is also the first time I’ll have two narrators. I am moving up in the world.

They’ve done a wonderful job bringing my brilliance to the audio scene and I cannot wait for you guys to get a listen.

I believe the release date is right here.

15th April 2025

Fuk you Lcass!!!

I just needed to remind you about that.

So, much to my horror, my Nemesis decided to take a trip to the best hemisphere for a few weeks. I was suspicious when she showed up on my door unannounced but obviously, because I’m Irish, we always play at the good host, even if we aren’t in the mood to host.

I mean look at England hanging out here for 800 years…

Anyway, back to being a host.

We took her in for a few days so she might visit the Wexford sights. You know, get some real culture before she had to endure the middling sights of the rest of Europe.

Once the shock of her showing up unannounced, we brought her on a tour of a few fields. There were some sheep. We showed her a strange looking tree, and finally, we showed her a priest’s well, and you know what, it was rightly fuken cultured.

And she tried to burn our house down for it.

Thinking about it, perhaps this will benefit the cheap fuks who discovered my genius when they picked up Raven Rock for free. Just know, I make fuk all on that deal, and you are hardly helping with the repairs.

Bastards, the lot of ya.

From the moment she arrived she had but one request.

An open fire.

With turf.

(That’s right. Turf. The real fuken illegal shit. I got a guy.)

She’s from Australia, you see, and they don’t have fires over there.

Or Turf. 

Only sharks in the water.

Her words, not mine.

She also mentioned poisonous snakes and spiders, so I just ran after her with a bunch of nettles and that showed her… good times.

Anyway, I should have been suspicious that she was such a wonderful house guest. Not complaining when our cat went after her with all four sets of claws. Not complaining when our landmine lane way ruined her rental car’s suspension every time she came and went. Not even complaining when I locked her in the attic with just a blanket during the nights (I wasn’t letting my nemesis roam free when I had a 50% completed manuscript just waiting to be stolen.).

So on the last night, she got her way. It was an unseasonably warm week (with only three litres of rainfall) so a fire was a luxury. Still, I lit it and stupidly went away to prepare the gruel she was getting that night for supper. (It’s basically porridge with old bacon grease, pepper, salt and chipotle sauce mixed in. Some people add nettles for that Irish flavour…um… I can write the full recipe down for you guys next month if you want?)

Anyway, she stayed up for a while with a blazing fire for half the night and no more than twenty mins after she went to bed, our mantelpiece went on fire. Not our chimney, our fuken mantelpiece.

Life hack.

Don’t have a wooden mantelpiece ever.

So I fought the blaze like a true Alpha legend.

(I extinguished the minor flame that caught on an abundance of soot that had sneaked down behind the fireplace… with an indoor watering can spray bottle.)

Fuken legend I was.

With a gentle knock on her door…. I mean a hearty thump against the attic’s chained hatch…I calmy told her of said events and she seemed to take my word that the fire simply being extinguished in thirty seconds with minimal damage was no big deal… just a little too casually.

It’s that exact casualness that makes me convinced…

IT WAS LCASS WITH THE SOOT MACHINE BEHIND THE FIREPLACE IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!!!!!!

And most certainly not the two dodgy fukers that came out last month to replace the back of the fireplace and didn’t finish bricking up either side of the new fireplace because they came with a set amount of bricks, ran out, and stuffed the gaps in the bricks with fire retardant foam and when I asked them as they were reversing up the worst lane in all of Wexford, “Lads, there’s a few gaps in the brickworks there, is it safe?”

They calmly assured me “Of course it is, trust us,” and idiot Rob (who fuken knows better,) completely trusted them and went about his day preparing his email that he was going to send out on time…until Lcass came along and deleted it.

So, blame her for that as well.

Because, fuk it, why not?

Anyway, I saved the house, my wife thought I was very impressive, and I fought off my Nemesis, all in one fell swoop.

Right.

I’m tired.

This email went on a while.

I hope you are all well.

Apart from you, Lcass.

You can fuk off with your word count and bestselling books and amazing fans. Your goodness disgusts me. Seriously, you are worse than dodgy fireplace guys!!!!!!

Right, I’m heading off now to get stuck into my next chapter. Having an author stay a couple days makes me that little bit more competitive.

It’s on!!!!

Take care of yourselves guys

And each other.

the ROB.

Aka

Destroyer of Lcass!!!!!!!