For the first time, a ChabadMatch Meet Shadchanim Event took place in Jerusalem! More than 20 Shadchanim and 70 singles attended. Towards the end of the event, alarms on phones went off indicating Iran was shooting missiles at Israel. Despite that Shadchanim stayed until past 11pm to meet singles. The next day, schools were cancelled due to the attack, which gave some Shadchanim extra time to follow up with singles. Many thanks to Shadchanim Yehudis Abramowitz, Bilha Bar-Lev, Chavi Bloi, Batya Bluming, Malka Cohen, Ruth Dales, Nechama Galinsky, Rina Gershovitz, Shoshana Goodman, Yael Guetta, Shaindy Havlin, Yocheved Hershkovitz, Chedvi Kaplan, Yoela Kolton, Dassi Kramer, Leah Lipszyc, Eden Miller, Sarah Plotkin, Miriam Portnoy, Rivka Stambler, Yehudis Wisnefsky, and Batya Zand.

By: Rabbi Yossi Ives

When it comes to dating, I often hear people say, “If it’s not a yes, then it’s a no!” By this, they mean that if you have been dating someone for a while and you can't give it a clear “yes”, then by default it’s got to be a “no”. Their logic is that you can’t keep dating endlessly, so if you aren’t ready to go forward, it’s time to end it.

While to many this seems like a wise approach, in reality, this couldn’t be further from the truth. As much as it’s a widely held belief, it’s wrong. This single misconception is responsible for countless shidduchim needlessly being abandoned. You should not automatically walk away from a shidduch because you are uncertain, conflicted, or confused. Then again, nor should you just continue blindly and endlessly.

Rather, your decision should come from clarity — from having thought things through carefully, and understanding why the shidduch isn’t progressing well. If you’re unable to move forward, it would be in your best interest to stop – no dating, no quitting – and figure out what’s driving the confusion and uncertainty. Sometimes it will become clear that the shidduch won’t work, but often it will become clear that an internal obstacle is getting in the way. If that is the case, it is usually possible to get around that.

You shouldn’t be dumping relationships because you’re having a hard time figuring it out. And if you don’t feel equipped to navigate that process alone, the best thing to do is to seek wise and appropriate guidance. Your “yes” or “no” should be based on clarity, not confusion. You shouldn’t quit a shidduch because you have questions, but because you got answers.

The simple fact that you’re having a hard time isn’t in itself a reason to give up on a shidduch. The ease with which you proceed through a shidduch bears no indication about the ensuing marriage. What matters entirely is the actual quality of the relationship, the suitability of the shidduch.

But “not a clear yes” is not necessarily a “definite no.” If you find yourself in that situation, it is best to figure out why you’re stuck!

To reach the author: Yossi@DateWell.org

For more articles on dating, please visit www.datewell.org.

By: Rabbi Arieh Raichman

At one point in our lives, we were young kids running around trying to find a good friend. Someone with whom we could talk to and share our ideas, wishes, and hopes. It seems that at every new school we went to we had to start that process all over again. There were times that we made friends very quickly, and others when it took far too long. However, the goal was always the same: to find a new friend.

At this stage in our lives, many of us find ourselves on that same path again. However, this time it seems even harder. We are trying to make a new friend and keep that one for life. This one friend will be with us wherever we go as our lives will be intertwined and bound with each other. It is such a unique friendship, one for which we have no experience to reflect on. Just the thought of it can be scary and fearful. And the process of finding that special friend certainly does not make it any easier.

However, there is one thing we could certainly do to speed up the process and better our chances. And that is to be a good friend to another. I am sure you have gone to a store and not found the item you were looking for but being that you were treated so kindly by the staff, you ended up going back there. Or you once approached a neighbor looking to borrow something, and they did not have it, but guided you to the neighbor that did. Those incidents can change our perception of what friendship means. In the past 3 weeks, while helping someone with shidduchim, the references and even the candidates themselves gave suggestions of their own, even when they knew they were not a match.

Being a friend does not start by waiting for something to happen to you, but rather by taking the initiative. It is probably one of the hardest things to do when you have been waiting so long for that phone call or suggestion. However, that one additional thought that says, “It is not a fit for me, but might be for someone else,” could not only help another person, but even yourself.

As our Chazal say, "Anyone who prays for his fellow while he himself needs the same thing is answered first." This teaches us that when we focus on helping another person achieve what we ourselves want, Hashem pays attention to that act of chessed. By sharing a name or giving a suggestion of someone you thought might have been your lifelong friend, but wasn't, you are being a real friend. That sacrifice and desire to help another Jew is never forgotten by Hashem. May we all help each other find our future spouses and lifelong friends.

Rabbi Raichman has spent the past 17 years in the Amazon, where he serves as director of Beit Chabad Manaus. Through his work with travelers from around the world, he has helped many singles in their search for their bashert. He is also a certified life coach and can be reached at rabbi@chabadmanaus.com.

Shiddduch: 525: Simcha Kernish & Alexandria Brown

Shadchan: Chani Raskin

Shadchan Chani Raksin relates: "The Choson joined ChabadMatch recently and I started working with him. Mid April the Kallah's mother reach out for her daugher who was just starting Shidduchim. A short time later, the idea came to my mind. They started dating virtually and when it was the right time, I encouraged him to travel to South Africa."

Shiddduch: 526: Ben Libman & Naomi Kinber

Shadchan: Zvi Mitz

Shadchan Zvi Mitz relates: "I had been working with both sides for a while, and I was a named shadchan on both resumes. The boy's side had shown interest. I arranged the introduction and the dating. Because they lived on different continents, they first started off with some zoom dates, and eventually met in person. Baruch Hashem, they just got engaged!"

Version française : [Cliquez ici pour lire en français]