It's Hard Enough To Find Your Bashert - Don't Walk Away From It

By: Rabbi Moishe Raitman

In 1986, the Lubavitcher Rebbe campaigned vigorously that everyone must fulfill the Torah obligation as illustrated in Pirkei Avos "עשה לך רב"- “make for yourself a mentor”.  Having a mashpia was encouraged and became common. However, the concept of specializing in coaching singles for dating and marriage was rather foreign. As it is, just making suggestions, coordinating times for dates and following up is extremely time consuming.

People’s many expectations were to call shadchanim for suggestions and it was a hit or miss. If successful, mission accomplished. If not, just provide another suggestion until we find, with Hashem’s help, “the needle in the haystack” ie one’s bashert.  But times have changed, and now in addition to facilitating shidduchim, there needs to be a focus on coaching and mentoring.

It became evident that many shidduchim were not being made because of a number of reasons that needed to be addressed, including the following:

[a] Parents and singles need to be more thorough in researching potential prospects. They need time to make the calls and the know-how of eliciting accurate information from the references with regard to the subject individual. This applies even more so for BT singles whose parents are not familiar with the frum Shidduch process or have no network within the Chabad community to rely on. 

[b] The need for self-awareness. Know who you are, what impression you project and what do you bring to the table in a marriage relationship.

[c] One must understand how to date. What needs to be accomplished with every date.

[d] Knowing in advance what are your deal breakers, what are your negotiables and what has no significance in making your final decision of whether to date someone and later on whether to commit.

[e] Having the ability to be vulnerable and allow another person into your personal life.

[f] Not to give up, get cold feet nor believe “the grass is greener on the other side”.

[g] Differentiating between fantasy and reality.

[h] When and how to take the leap of faith.

[i] Knowing when to identify red flags and walk away.

[j] THE BIG ONE: Being able to identify and acknowledge you may be dating your bashert.

The demand for these services from singles and parents navigating this difficult parsha in life, has at times been overwhelming but more so, rewarding as people are seeing results and are beginning to value and appreciate the results that are achieved through coaching.

Upon recent reflection, the following has become evident after working with many people, including referrals from current and past satisfied clientele.   In most cases, they reached out for mentoring as the Shidduch was on the cusp of being called off. With some open mindedness and willingness to do everything in their power to ensure they are not walking away from their bashert, it has proven possible to identify blockers and salvage the relationship and be’ezras Hashem lead those singles to their bashert.

Statistics show that way too many singles are walking away too quickly from their dates not allowing the relationship to develop.

These are just a few of the common and recurring sentiments, which can be addressed through mentoring:

• How do I know that he/she is the right one?
• I’m just not feeling it (when they really do; but just don’t realize it).
• Although I’m enjoying my time with him/her, the dates don’t seem to be going anywhere.

Sharing a success story, a bochur consulted with me whilst he was dating. We farbrenged till 4 in the morning when I turned to him and told him he is dating the wrong girl. “If not her, then who should I be dating?”, he screamed out in total frustration. Afterall, he had dated too many girls to keep count. After much conversation and analysis, it was obvious that his heart was set on a girl he had stopped dating previously.  I told him, “go home, pick up the phone, apologize for walking away, and propose!”  Baruch Hashem, today they are happily married, on shlichus with a child (כן ירבו).

It is alarming how too many potential shidduchim are not being given the opportunity to materialize. It’s so much easier to walk away; but that’s the short and long way. Put in the work. Get the mentoring. Invest in yourself. Invest in your dating skills. Invest in your relationship and marriage. It may be the long and short way but it does work. Proof is in the results I am witnessing.

Rabbi Moishe Raitman
www.ShadchanCOACH.com
Contact: 847.840.8633

Rabbi YY Jacobson: Shidduchim for Boys

Dating Game for Singles

By Tobi Lieder

Recommended for after the first date, this game is brilliant for getting to know each other more, on a whole new level! Visit askmydate.web.app where you will find 229 questions to ask each other on a Shidduch date. You can keep it exciting by clicking the Random button. It's ok to say 'pass' & reselect another question. 

What a wonderful game for all couples of all ages to have fun with in getting to laugh together and know each other better!

Opportunity to Suggest a Shidduch

Ever had an idea for a Shidduch but weren't sure how to suggest it? You can submit the idea at www.shluchimmatch.com/suggest and Shadchan Chava Richler of the ShluchimMatch office will look into it. Should the idea lead to a successful Shidduch, you will receive a portion of the Shadchan gelt.