The rage I had towards others in the early days and what I want you to know if you're angry too.

As I sat on the maternity ward for a week after my boys were born by emergency c-section, I watched so many people come and go. 

Women, who came with their bellies full of expectation and left as proud mothers with their arms full of a tiny person to love forever. 

I smiled at them and wished them all the best but inside I was seething. Why did they get the dream ending and we didn't? 

They would smile back and possibly think, "That poor mother. I'm so glad my baby is ok" Thats what I would have thought to be honest. Empathy and gratitude all mixed into one. 

When I finally left the hospital, I noticed a pregnant mother standing by the door. Smoking. 

"I bet she will have a f****g healthy baby" I thought, enraged by the injustice that our life choices don't always determine the results we get. It just felt so unfair 

I remember months later, pushing my double buggy to Mothercare and stopping, frozen to the spot on the pavement as a mother and father cooed over their very own smiling twins. It was like being in a parallel universe, seeing how our lives would have been. 

I cried there in that moment. Just let the tears run down my face before snatching them away and continuing with my day. 

At times, the sadness and anger consumed me. If thats where you are now, there are three things I want you to know. 

The first is that this is a perfectly natural reaction and emotion when your life has altered. It doesn't make you a terrible person or a bad mother. It makes you human. Never forget that you are allowed to feel anything and everything. 

The second is to take time to process your emotions for what they are..part of your grief. It's important that you acknowledge how you feel rather than bury or deny it because trust me, the more you fight against the things you feel, the stronger and longer you will experience them. 

What you resist, persists.

And finally, ask yourself 'how does this serve me?' when you feel the rage. What impact does it have on your mood, your actions, your relationships? Im the very last person to say 'just don't feel angry!' (thanks Karen*, its not that simple) but asking yourself this question allows you to recognise that you do have a choice about how long you feel this way or how you let it affect you. Do you really want to be consumed by this? I know I didn't. I just didn't have anyone to help me live any other way. 

I'm hoping I can be that person for you in some small way. 

With love from Our Altered Life to yours, Charlie xx

* Apologies if you are called Karen! 

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