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By: Rabbi Yossi Ives
Sometimes everything checks off, yet there is little to no connection. We need to understand that not everyone develops connection or falls in love the same way. Some people don’t fall in love quickly. They grow in love over time. It’s just how they are wired. The strength of their feelings doesn’t match the quality of the relationship.
The Three Cs are a framework to help if you or the person you are dating is struggling with developing feelings.
Shani was holding at six dates. Things checked off. She had few complaints. The problem was that she felt virtually no connection. Date after date, her feelings remained flat. As a result, she didn’t look forward to dates, knowing that she’d be confronted with this emptiness.
She just felt something was missing, although she couldn’t quite put her finger on what it exactly was. She always dreamed of having the high and thrill of meeting ‘the one’, but she lacked that feeling.
She was ready to walk away until she discovered that not everyone develops connection or falls in love the same way. Some people don’t fall in love quickly. They grow in love over time. It’s just how they are wired.
While most people react quickly and intensely to meeting someone they really like and are compatible with, some people’s emotions develop gradually through being in an actual relationship. [There’s a lot more information about this here.]
But what was she to do? How’s she supposed to go forward with a relationship when she’s not feeling it? Enter The Three Cs:
Clarity is about how you can gain the certainty whether the relationship should proceed, whether this shidduch has the qualities that make for a successful marriage:
- Do we share core values and goals?
- Do we communicate and interact well?
- Do we both feel a sense of trust and respect?
- Is there a good level of mutual attraction?
Connection is about how you can deepen the emotional feelings, by learning ways to build the emotional connection, rather than waiting for it to just happen.
- Using more affectionate communication even when difficult
- Openly discuss a future together, even if it feels like a stretch
- Do activities together that that can contribute towards greater closeness. All
Communication is how to successfully work through this with your date. Find the words to properly communicate what you are struggling with and why. It will take a weight of your shoulders; you won’t have to face this alone. Sharing what you are experiencing will also helped to avoid misunderstanding.
Please read the full article for a fuller explanation.
To reach the author: Yossi@DateWell.org
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