Self love? In THIS economy? You're kidding, right?

by Sonali Bisht 

‘If you can’t love yourself, then how do you expect to love someone else?’

You must have heard this phrase almost everywhere on the internet.

I do agree with what it broadly stands for - you need to find your worth within yourself and not depend on a relationship for it. But I don't think it is fair to convince people with low self-esteem that they need to drastically fall in love with themselves to have a fulfilling dating life.

With the way the world works (*cough* CAPITALISM *cough*) almost all of us deal with some form of self-esteem issues. We keep wondering if we are working hard enough at school, raising the bar at work, or paying enough attention to our personal lives. We overthink and second guess every little thing about our life. And don’t even get me started on how much importance we place on our looks while growing up. We are so obsessed with every little ‘imperfection’ that we see in the mirror.

Yeh system hee FRAUD hai ekdum. It thrives on OUR insecurities.

But does that mean you don't deserve to find companionship, till you love yourself? NO, YOU DO. You do deserve that dost. Only if you want it, of course :P.

So here are some things you should keep in mind while finding the one, when you aren’t feeling too good about yourself.

1. Your partner is not your therapist
Your partner can only support you on your journey of self love and reflection. BUT, they can't fix your body image issues, your trauma and your insecurities. While they can give you a warm hug and cuddles when you are feeling down, they can’t heal you. They can’t have the sole responsibility to build you up. That still resides with YOU. Going to a professional therapist will not only help you gain insight about your mental well-being but they will also help you develop strategies to manage distress.

2. Understand your needs and set boundaries
You might need someone to reassure you about your worth from time to time. Or, you might need your space sometimes. The best thing is to try and understand what you want and communicate that to your partner. A loving and supportive relationship can actually help you gain self worth and make the process of going through feelings of unworthiness easier.

3. Reflect on your Insecurities
A lot of us grow around people who never show us our worth. We live in homes that don’t have supportive environments, and where we are only talked down upon. If you understand what you are insecure about and where the insecurity comes from, you partner and you can find ways to deal with these triggers and help you navigate the bad days.

4. Look for someone who is patient, communicates well, is self aware and emotionally intelligent
As someone who has intrusive thoughts from time to time, having a partner who is understanding and good at communication really makes navigating the relationship easier for both of us. Good communication really helps keep things transparent and prevents you from spiraling or feeling abandoned. And before you think ‘aese partners sirf books main hote hai’. But you can find your ‘written by a woman’ romance in real life.

5. Your partner isn’t your whole world
Build a support system outside of your romantic relationships. A lot of us tend to put love and romance on top of all our relationships, but having good friendships and other personal relationships is equally important.

6. Friendly reminder: You deserve good things and good people :)

What you need to remember is that reaching that perfect place of ‘good self-worth’ may be amazing, but it’s easier said than done. This does not mean that you don’t deserve to love or be loved.

You can have a fulfilling relationship even when you are a work-in-progress. A relationship is not a replacement for self work and reflection. But, you don't have to do all this self work in isolation. It might just become easier when you have someone to reassure you right by your side.

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