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By: Rabbi Yossi Ives
Choni and Yaffa have met five times, and their relationship is growing. Both were becoming increasingly convinced that “this is the one.” Then things took a turn for the worse when Choni says, “I need my space.” Yaffa instantly feels the world crashing down on her head: “What?! I have literally shared everything with this guy, and now he says he needs his space?!” Yaffa instantly withdrew and started to question everything. Choni sensed that something was wrong.
What if that was one big misunderstanding? Sadly, a significant number of potentially successful relationships end due to misunderstandings.
Causes of misunderstanding
There are all sorts of reasons why misunderstandings happen. They generally fall into one of two headings:
Unclear communication – In dating, there is a lot of communication happening. Thousands of words and bits of information are shared during dating. Even if you get the communication right 99.9% of the time, something will come out wrong.
Mistaken comprehension – Inevitably, we will occasionally understand incorrectly. Even if we accurately understand 99.9% of the time, there will be some moment during the course of dating when we will comprehend wrong.
So, what can be done about it?
“Please explain what you meant by that”
People involved in dating need to learn how to respond to comments they find hurtful by seeking clarification. Some comments are so extreme that there really is no coming back from them. But for the most part, it is best to check whether you really understood the other’s intent. Ask: “Please explain what you meant by that,” or “I’d like to check that I understood you correctly.” You won’t know unless you ask.
It’s possible that you understood him correctly. And if what you heard feels unacceptable to you, that information matters. You may realize that you don’t want a lifelong relationship with someone who values personal space more than shared connection. On the flip, by checking for clarification, you may find that what felt hurtful was actually a misunderstanding. Either his words didn’t come out as intended, or they landed differently than he meant.
Clearing the air
Yaffa can gently ask, “I’m not sure if I understood you correctly; what do you mean by ‘need space’?” Now, let’s walk through this scenario using the two kinds of misunderstandings we mentioned above.
Unclear communication – Choni can acknowledge that he fumbled what he wanted to say and can explain his real intention: that his vision of a relationship is one where two confident, independent people choose to make each other a priority, without losing themselves completely in the process. “I didn’t mean that people need space from each other—I just mean that it’s important to hold onto your own identity.”
Mistaken comprehension – Choni can reassure that he was not looking to pull away: “I hope you know I’m still as positive and enthusiastic as before.” He can clarify that he meant that he needed time to process their many close-together dates and to take care of things he’d been putting off because of the intensity of dating. Yaffa realizes that she had misunderstood what Choni was saying.
Whichever the scenario, Yaffa feels relieved and even more drawn to the man she has grown to like and respect. He’s shown himself to be a real mensch. Yaffa knows that this is the type of communication that makes for a great relationship.
To reach the author: Yossi@DateWell.org
For more articles on dating, please visit www.datewell.org.
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