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By: Rabbi Yossi Ives
One of the great clichés in relation to dating is that “opposites attract.” Is it true? Mostly not. But, as with many clichés, there is a little truth snuck away in there.
If the level of attraction was correlated to the level of difference, then everyone would be getting married to people they have nothing in common with. So, this statement is clearly false. In fact, typically people are more comfortable with those similar to themselves. The evidence clearly shows that people find it easier to develop relationships with people with whom they have key things in common. The fact is that people quite consciously look for people to date with characteristics they prefer.
However, not all things are equal. The more central something is to being in a relationship, the more valuable it is to be similar. For example, liking the same pizza toping may be fun, and could make buying pizza a tad easier, but the benefit of this type of similarity is negligible. However, similarity around values and lifestyle are highly beneficial, and even similar height can affect attraction.
The big exception: Personality
Similarity is always a benefit, with one major exception: personality. The more that someone’s personality leans to a particular direction, the more beneficial it is to be with someone less extreme than you. For example, if you’re extremely talkative, it is best to meet someone significantly less talkative than you. If you’re very strong-willed (polite English for stubborn and rigid), then you’re better off dating someone significantly easier going than you.
This may take some getting used to, as you become comfortable with a personality type different to your own, but it is more like to result in success. Not only does it increase your chances of getting married, but it improves your likelihood of a happy and successful one. This is known as “complementarity”, the notion that we benefit from marrying someone who have qualities that are different to – and that complement – our won.
People who have strong personalities seek out a partner with an equally strong, or perhaps even stronger, personality, as they don’t want to feel they’re dominating their spouse. This is generally a bad idea, as having two very strong personalities in a marriage can lead to clashes and discord. It makes more sense to look for someone who is more of an “opposite,” so their personalities complement each other.
People are often convinced the opposite and reject people with dissimilar personalities. In many cases, it is best to welcome someone who complements one’s own character.
To reach the author: Yossi@DateWell.org
For more articles on dating, please visit www.datewell.org.
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