By: Rabbi Yossi Ives
People can want a relationship and be afraid of it at the same time. Individuals with a fearful attachment orientation are prone to panic when things become serious. Knowing this can really help.
Many people who are affected by intense worry and nervousness as a shidduch progresses are likely to start questioning the suitability of the shidduch. The logic seems impeccable: If this person was genuinely suitable, why would there be so much emotional distress. After all, shouldn’t a person be overjoyed at having met the right one?!
It is essential to understand that for a person to be overcome by fear nothing needs to be wrong with the shidduch. There is plenty of room for extreme levels of apprehension simply because of the magnitude of the decision being made.
While most people’s minds generate only moderate levels of caution that are overtaken by high levels of positivity, other people have minds that produce immense fear. Such amounts of fear will overwhelm any affection or attraction, leaving the person deeply uncomfortable.
So deep can be this discomfort that the person would want to make it go away at all cost, even at the price of ending an otherwise suitable relationship. But, of course, this achieves nothing, as the cycle is likely to repeat itself again and again. It is also a great shame, as a great shidduch was sabotaged by something baseless.
Better thing is to ask: Is this really a suitable shidduch? Is it in line with the qualities being sought? Do these two people do well together? If the answer to these questions is overwhelmingly in the affirmative, then the fear is almost certainly nothing more than that: fear for fear’s sake.
Know, therefore, that how much one fears something has no bearing on how great the risk of something happening. Despite the fear, if the compatibility is strong, there is every likelihood that this shidduch will result in a happy and successful marriage.
Fear is most effective because it masquerades as something it isn’t. It presents itself as protecting the person from a real danger. This if often not the case. Fear can rarely outlast exposure. Understand that the fear is an exaggerated self-protectiveness, and that it’s not necessarily based on something real.
With this realization, it’s important not to allow something so imaginary to control a major life decision. It isn’t always easy to make the fear entirely disappear. But with clarity about its real nature, its hold on the person can be greatly weakened. “Be strong and of good courage for Hashem will be with you” (Yehoshua 1:9).
Contact the author at: yossi@datewell.org.
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