(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XXIV, p. 16)
In reply to your letters in which you ask my advice regarding a Shidduch in which there was an implication [from the other party] with regard to cutting your beard:
It is both self-understood and eminently plain that a Shidduch should be founded on the good determination and firm resolve to assist each other in all matters, and surely so [to assist each other] with regard to Jewish matters, the Torah and its commandments, as they are the foundation for the happiness of a Jewish man and woman in this world and in the next.
It is also self-evident that there are continuous ascending levels and degrees in matters of goodness and holiness. In the language of our Sages, of blessed memory, this is classified as Mitzvah, Hiddur Mitzvah, and Mehadrin min HaMehadrin [a) the basic observance of the commandment; b) “adorning” and enhancing the commandment by being scrupulous in its observance; c) being the “most scrupulous of the scrupulous”].
Even those whose level of observance — for whatever reason — is only that of “Mitzvah,” are also aware that the meaning of “Hiddur Mitzvah” simply means — as the term implies — additional adornment and enhancement of the mitzvah’s performance, though they themselves do not perform the mitzvah in this manner.
It is both plain and obvious that one’s daily proper conduct according to the Torah and its Mitzvos serves as the vehicle and vessel for receiving G‑d’s blessings in all that a Jew needs. It follows that when one needs and requires a special blessing, the manner of obtaining this blessing is by strengthening and enhancing one’s conduct of Torah and Mitzvos.
From all the above it is understood that even according to those who maintain1 that not cutting the beard is a Hiddur Mitzvah, G‑d forbid that this be done when one is in need of a special blessing from the Giver of the Torah and the Commander of the Mitzvos. This is particularly so when one is laying the foundation to the eternal edifice of marriage.
It is patently obvious that he who has conducted his life for many years according to the codifiers who maintain that not cutting one’s beard is a Torah commandment, G‑d forbid and Heaven forfend to change this manner of conduct even in an ordinary situation ([and] how much more so in a time such as this [i.e., prior to marriage]).
As mentioned above, even when one party has been educated according to the opinion that not cutting the beard is merely a hiddur, the first and foremost obligation is always to strengthen the second party’s superior observance of Judaism — even if it is a Hiddur Mitzvah.
Surely this is so when the other party has conducted his life in this manner, and how much more so when the other party maintains that this is a dictate and a commandment and not merely a Hiddur Mitzvah.
It is self-understood that all the above regarding cutting the beard similarly applies to many Mitzvos of the Torah, including aspects of conduct in one’s daily life. Therefore, before you finalize the Shidduch it is imperative that both of you are absolutely clear and certain of the above, that one party be able to forego their own opinion and stance when the other party considers [the issue] a matter of import, as this is [in his view] a Hiddur Mitzvah.
With regard to a shared life [of husband and wife], this concession must not be because there seems to be no other choice and thus one is compelled to concede — a concession made with a feeling of embitterment and antagonism, and so on and so forth. Rather, one makes this concession gladly and willingly.
As stated above, this applies not only to cutting the beard, but to all mitzvos of the Torah and their performance in a manner of Hiddur Mitzvah, as problems such as this one can potentially occur quite often. The resolution of this matter must be made in a spirit of goodwill and with joy and gladness of heart — something that is crucial with regard to all the above.
From the preceding you can well understand my view with regard to your question:
The two of you must assess and evaluate your own selves in as frank and candid a manner as possible: Are you ready to make concessions whose direction, as stated above, is always going to be one-sided: in the direction of giving more consideration to enhanced and adorned performance of the Mitzvos?
Your decision [regarding the Shidduch] should be based in conformance with the above assessment and evaluation.
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