This is a story about my most recent manifestation.

It was a massive manifestation. 

I've been writing books about dominance and submission for over ten years now. I write alpha-holes who are jealous and possessive and by the end of the book profess their undying love to the heroine.

When I decided I was ready to start dating this past January, none of those qualities were in my request to the Universe for the man. My wish list was for someone who was wealthy and successful in his own right, had grown kids (so he'd understand where I was coming from, but they wouldn't be a factor), was spiritual/conscious, and loving.

The Universe sent him to me!  A hot former Wall Street attorney with grown kids, wealth, spirituality (he asked me if I trusted the Universe on our first date!) and--to add the icing to the cake--a dom!

This guy literally did and said all the swoony things the heroes from my books do.  He picked me up and carried me to bed. Put me on my knees. Tied me up-- sorry, is this TMI? He said all the things, showered me with attention, and invested heavily in the relationship. He was all in. So I was I. I could hardly believe how amazing my manifestation was. It literally seemed like I wrote this guy into existence.

Things were hot, heavy and intense right from the start. At first, I loved being consumed by this man. The possessive thing is hot to me, after all. But practically, it became stressful. I felt divided between him and my kids. We fought every time one of us was out of town. And there were other things that didn't work for me. He had triggers and was often angry with me for reasons I couldn't fathom until the end. I was walking on eggshells, the pleaser in me trying to please but not knowing how.

So it didn't work out. We broke up. While I was relieved to be out of a smothering relationship, I was also still working through some residual anger with him.

And then I got some tough love from my journal (aka my higher self / spirit guides).  I heard that as long as I made him wrong for what happened, I would be destined to repeat the situation. Making myself a "victim" of the relationship, making the story about how he'd wronged me, took my power away.

You see, we are all powerful beings. Manifestors of Magnitude. 

 I recognize I manifested the perfect relationship for me--everything I wanted to experience with a man, plus a relationship that would, over a very short amount of time, impart lessons I absolutely required to become a higher version of myself. Lessons in communication and boundaries. In trusting my own instincts when someone's energy doesn't match his words.

And if I'm making it sound like the relationship was a bad experience, it absolutely wasn't. It was probably the most loving and gentle way I could have learned those lessons very quickly. Plus I had incredible sex for six months. :-)

So when I look at it from that perspective, I'm back in my own power. I'm not playing the victim in my life. The Universe didn't fuck me over, nor did my former lover.  I chose all of it and received from all of it.

And now I have the contrast of what doesn't work for me to make a more specific request of the Universe. I also have the communication skills and boundaries to address problems more quickly when they arise, because negotiation is inevitable in any relationship.

I want to be clear this isn't a "be careful what you wish for" story. I'm not sorry or sad that the Universe sent me the type of hero I write. And no, I don't fear the next guy will be a mafia hitman who kidnaps me and tortures me in his basement with orgasms. The Universe delighted me and gave me an opportunity to grow and stretch.

My next iteration will be even better. 

I'll keep you posted!

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