ChabadMatch Monthly Update


	View in browser

Monthly Update

Nissan 5786, Edition 117

If You Want to Help, Ask the Right Questions

By: Rabbi Yossi Ives

Zeldy was facing an excruciating decision. She had met Nachum ten times, and she could find no significant faults. Nachum had been ready for a while, but he was giving Zeldy all the time she needed. Zeldy also felt that the dating was producing nothing new, and that it was time to decide either way.

The problem was that she could not decide. She could see no reason to end the shidduch: he was pretty much everything she said she was looking for. Yet she felt unable to give the green light, because she wasn’t at peace with the shidduch.

When Advice Isn’t Enough

In her confusion and distress, Zeldy spoke to almost anyone who would listen. If advice is what she sought, advice is what she got. Lots of it. All well-meaning — none helpful. The tenor of the advice she received was: it sounded like an amazing shidduch, and she should definitely go ahead. As for her discomfort? That would dissipate after marriage. How did they know? Well, apparently, it was obvious. Her mashpia recommended a two-week break and see how she felt after that. She decided to follow the guidance of her mashpia.

Those were two very difficult weeks. At the end of the two weeks, she was no closer to a decision. She still wasn’t ready to say yes, so it became a no — not because of anything specific, but because she realized more time or dating would solve nothing.

She accepted the advice to take a two-week break because it removed the immediate pressure, not because she expected it to solve anything. As the two-week mark approached, the pressure built to an unprecedented intensity, and she couldn’t take it any longer.

The Power of the Right Question

The real reason that all the advice failed is because it was advice. Zeldy needed less advice and more insight. The most useful thing for Zeldy – and the one thing she didn’t get – was a single pointed question: Why is this happening? Could there be some underlying struggle that she experiences during dating, which is responsible for her current predicament? She didn’t need to be told what to do; she needed help figuring it out.

Finally, Zeldy spoke to someone capable of helping her uncover answers. A picture emerged of how dating felt for her. A part of her felt like a little child, utterly unprepared for marriage. That child-like side of her personality panicked at the thought of marriage — understandably.

Whereas before she had only received assurances, now she had self-understanding. With clarity and the right guidance, she regained control and could see a way forward – one that took into consideration the complexity and nuance of her personality and life experiences.

To reach the author: Yossi@DateWell.org

For more articles on dating, please visit www.datewell.org.

Rebbe's Igros: The Role of Positive Emotional Feelings

Rebbe's Letter:

I was pleased to read in your letter that you found many positive qualities in his personality, [i.e., the young man you have been meeting], and that he fits the bill with regard to what you are looking for in a young man whom you wish to marry. You also hope that maybe there are additional [fine] qualities that have as yet not been revealed to you.

You are correct when you write that in matters such as these, there must be some positive emotional feelings [toward the young man] as well, not only that it makes sense intellectually.

This is logically understandable as well: Marriage consists of constructing a complete edifice, one that will endure for all eternity. As such, it must be an edifice and house that is united and coupled in all aspects [in emotional aspects as well], not only joined intellectually.

On the other hand, one cannot always easily discern where the intellectual deliberations end and the emotional considerations begin. Quite often, although one may think that this is purely a matter of intellectual reflection, in point of fact, it is in large part — if not overwhelmingly so — a matter of emotional consideration.

It is therefore my hope that after you meet with him another few times you will be able to discern this matter for yourself — that there is not only an intellectual connection, but an emotional one as well.

In light of the above, if you are sure that as of yet you harbor no emotional feelings at all, [i.e., neither positive nor negative], then it would seem that it is too soon to make a decision regarding this matter. However, if you see that [positive] emotional feelings are also manifest, then may it be G‑d’s will that the shidduch be with hatzlachah and in a good and auspicious hour.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. X, p. 338)