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Writing to Decide, Deciding to Write
Here I am again, trying to write another first draft.
Every time I start, I stop. Sometimes it’s because I get interrupted. Lately, it’s because something outrageous or amazing or just plain confounding has happened in the world, and I think, Oh, I can’t write about the thing I was going to write about; I have so many thoughts about the new thing, I need to write about that instead. And the new thing is connected to the other thing—oh, and the thing before that, too, and I have all these thoughts and ideas and memories and stories, but now they’re all tangled up like a giant hairball, and by the time I think I’ve finally found the end of a hair to tug free from the hairball in hopes of untangling the mess, another new thing happens, and I lose the bit I was hanging on to and my thoughts get even more tangled, and—
And I’ve been here before, waiting for a pause, waiting for the right time, for enough time, for the right topic, waiting for the hairball to untangle itself and tell me what I’m supposed to do.
Today, I realized—I admitted—that I’ve been in this place for almost a year.
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It’s not just the stress of the pandemic, it’s not exactly the chaos and uncertainty that have beleaguered us this past year. It’s more like…it’s maybe because…or possibly from…
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In her book, The Soul-Sourced Entrepreneur, Christine Kane says, “Technically, ‘to wait’ is a verb. But really, it just keeps you frozen in place in a very un-verb-like way. When you wait, you become an object waiting for a subject to come along and convince you to move.”
My uncertainty (anxiety? fear?) that what I’m writing about is the wrong thing, or that I’m already too late and so should shift to the next idea, the next problem to solve, the next opinion I could or should express—those are all “waiting,” masquerading as logical reasons for inaction.
All the reasons I have for not untangling the hairball and getting something coherent down on the page sound like excuses, especially to my Inner Calvinist, who is always certain I am shirking my duties. She’s partly right; I have been avoiding and procrastinating—I have been waiting—but the real question is Why?
Natalie Goldberg (Writing Down the Bones) says that “If you can write a question, you can answer it,” so I ask myself: What am I waiting for?
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The answer is immediate and direct: I am waiting until I know for sure. I am waiting until I am certain. I am waiting for a decision—no, not “a” decision, but “the” decision: the right one, the one guaranteed to work, to be perfect and perfectly understood.
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I am reluctant to decide. I resist committing to a specific topic or a particular path. My Inner Calvinist condemns me for my resistance. She wants certainty; she is certain it is the solution to everything. She is adamant, even when I remind her that creativity requires curiosity and a willingness to make a mess on the page.
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She insists that it’s much better to write what my clients want than to create anything of my own, including essays for my newsletter. “Client work” —whether it’s reviewing a manuscript, writing exhibit labels, or guiding someone on their own creative path—comes ready-made with decisions. It’s for an already-defined purpose, there’s a deadline that forces a timeline which in turn forces a decision (it must be done by Thursday, so I must work on it today), I know how to do the work, and there’s tangible proof of its value.
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She tosses in time anxiety, too. Do I really have enough time to write this entire thing now? What if it takes too long and we run out of time to do the client work (not to mention the house work and other tasks she nags me about)?
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Do I have time to explain why my first reaction to the demonstrations about racial injustice was, “Didn’t we do this already?” Or what about climate change, and the fires, and how standing in line for my first Covid vaccination reminded me of the first line I remember standing in, which was for the brand-new polio vaccine when I was five, and of the lines I stood in at my local polling place, back when we voted in person instead of by mail?
Should I point out that I did all that work about civil rights and women’s rights and even helped organize the very first Earth Day, and that my first published work was a poem I wrote when I was ten years old as an assignment for one of the first Outdoor Ed programs in the United States, and that I thought that what I did made a difference, helped the world be a better place, and that it isn’t my fault that everything isn’t perfect? And why I think the phrase “That’s a first-world problem” is stupid?
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Is there enough time to explain my gaffe at Penn Center on St. Helena Island, South Carolina, caused by my assumption that the women working there knew the story of Juliette Lowe and Girls Scouts and that when I said “Brownies,” I was talking about that ridiculous story we teach the 7-year-old girls to explain why they’re called “Brownies” (which are Celtic wee folk) and was not a racial slur? And that I was so mortified when I realized that I had clearly offended them, I fled, and when I figured out days later that my assumption they’d know the story because the camp is spitting distance from Savannah, Georgia, where Lowe was from and where she started the first troop, was wrong—I was still too mortified to go back and explain? And is that story about racial injustice (endemic or otherwise) or about the challenges of communication?
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How do I know? How do I decide? In my indecision, I jump like a manic flea from idea to idea, story to story. It feels like I can’t write fast enough to keep up or long enough to find my way through the tangle of my thoughts and feelings.
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But a curious thing happens when I keep writing.
The act of writing, physical and tangible, changes me. Pencil pushing graphite onto the smooth surface of scrap paper, pen trailing ink across the nubby texture of my journal, fingers tapping their way across the keyboard: words appear, sentences begin to sort themselves out. Inner Calvinist recedes; my breathing slows like a kind of meditation. Insight and understanding emerge gradually, like a winter sunrise or abruptly, like a thunderclap in a clear sky.
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I decide, slowly, consciously, deliberately. I decide, immediately, suddenly, by instinct. Either way, I decide. I decide to write, to spend the time, however much time it takes. I decide to tug at the hairball and to keep tugging, even if what pulls free makes me look foolish or vulnerable or ignorant.
Deciding is my superpower.
It’s yours, too.
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Tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis.
Times are changing, and we are changing with them.
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Resources
The Soul-Sourced Entrepreneur by Christine Kane, p. 43. BenBella Books, Inc. 2020.
Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, p. 86. Shambhala Publications, Inc. 1986.
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New and Upcoming
Ongoing (and Expanded) Small Signs of Hope
Part experiment, part determination to remind myself that the world is a remarkable place filled with wonder, and part “take my own advice to post more regularly on social media and a blog”
I’m still posting Small Signs of Hope regularly (though not every day), and I’ll be adding more “traditional” blog posts in the near future. You can find the whole series on my website. I post new entries to the blog first, and then to Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and Tumblr.
The original title for the series was Small Signs of Hope in the Coming Apocalypse, because there’s always a “coming apocalypse”—we are always convinced that some awful, end-of-the-world disaster is about to befall us. We may not know exactly what it is or how it will play out (or we might be certain we know, even if no one else seems to), but our brains are convinced that whatever it is will be Very Very Bad. Those feelings of impending doom and uncertainty permeate everything and make it difficult to notice anything positive. The reasons behind this are neurological: our nervous systems have evolved to pay more attention to things that can (or might) harm us than to things that aren’t going to eat us. The plus side of this neurological evolution is that we’re more likely to survive if we don’t get eaten. The downside is that we can end up depressed, despairing, utterly overwhelmed with the hopelessness or awfulness of everything, and unable or unwilling to act in ways that support ourselves and improve our world.
But all is not lost! Mindfulness—deliberately paying attention to “positive” elements—trains our brains to notice that there is much in our world that is extraordinary and marvelous. This is not optimism, nor is it “Pollyanna” or “always look on the bright side” denial of reality. It is literally training our brains to notice things it tends to ignore. “Gratitude journals” and “daily gratitude practice” are examples of this approach.
I began Small Signs of Hope as a way to shift my attention away from focusing on what I cannot control to noticing things in the everyday world that hint at, reveal, or celebrate wonder and joy. Noticing these things helps my brain remember that I can be okay with the anxiety and fear that come with not knowing. I don’t have to be on high alert all the time.
I’ve dropped “Coming Apocalypse” from the main title for two reasons: first, it’s long enough to be unwieldy; and second, because I want to train myself to notice Small Signs of Hope without the continual reminder that something disastrous is out there waiting to happen.
I hope you enjoy the series—and that it helps share a little wonder.
P.S. One of my Signs of Hope haiku has been accepted for publication in The Best Haiku anthology online, forthcoming from Haiku Crush, currently scheduled for release on Earth Day, April 22, 2021!
P.S.S. April is also National Poetry Month in the US and Canada.
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Looking for more to read? Need a little creative encouragement?
Order your copy of the award-winning book, Electric Lemons: Interpretation and the Art of Writing
Electric Lemons has won praise from all corners of interpretation—and from writers and teachers in other genres, too!
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Skysinger Press
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Contents copyright 2021 Judy Fort Brenneman. All rights reserved. Request reprint permission through Greenfire Creative, LLC
Comments? Questions? Tell us!
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