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Dhammapada

Dhammapada, a collection of verses of Shakyamuni Buddha

Impermanence in Buddhism explains why a person never steps in the same river twice. That thought made me think of best friends. And that thought made me think what makes a friend a best friend. With 5 billion hits on search engines for ‘best friend,” I’m not the only one thinking about it.

The New Year, 2022, is days old and I wonder what happened to 2021 with all my good intentions? One was to stay more in touch with my childhood best friend from the 7th grade. But time and again, we both got caught up with busyness and it didn’t happen. And time and again, when we do get together, we always pick up where we left off, regardless of where life has taken us and the long time in between.

I don’t think there are marks or rules for what makes someone a best friend. It seems fluid and like a river, always changing always adjusting, always there, but different. A friend can be “elevated” to best for any number of reasons. For some it can be a parent, sibling, childhood friend or someone you met at a book club. Someone becoming a best friend, in a way, changes us as well. That thought made me think of Amida Buddha. Regardless of how you envision the concept of Amida Buddha, the reality of Amida Buddha is a concrete and real experience of wisdom and compassion – of eternal light and life, of accepting us, me, just as I am. Isn’t that what best friends do?

Qualities such a friend has includes having things in common, sharing thoughts, beliefs and more important, self-disclosure. We share private experiences and trust in unconditional support, acceptance and continued loyalty. This is a key, the trust we have in our best friend. It is not that they accept our bad behavior or doubts but that they hear them out and continue to be our best friend, just as we are. They are like a mirror, reflecting both our good and not so good qualities. Best friends know when to give advice that we need and don’t want to hear. They know the person we strive to be, and help us get there. They also know when to be the shoulder we need to cry on. Like Amida Buddha, they accept our life as we live it and don’t require us to live as they do. They are there for us, they show up when we need them and yes, we show up for them. It is a two way street.

Isn’t this the quality we seek and find in Buddhism? The unconditional acceptance of who we are, warts and all? This willingness to extend oneself for the friend, to put aside the self and be there for the other? A best friend knows when to drop everything and be there for us, knows us intimately and cares. It is this age old concept of sharing and trusting that we deeply understand and call best friend.

For some, such a friend is found in childhood, for others, later in life and for some, not at all. In Shin Buddhism we are open to hearing the call of Amida Buddha and entrusting in it. With best friends, the quality of being open, of entrusting is how we begin to have a best friend and be one.

I heard someone say they are always picking up the tab or giving hard to get tickets to sports events to friends and expecting friendship in return. It never happens. Friendship, especially between best friends cannot be bought. It is a willingness to take the risk to reveal who one is, share the good and the bad with no expectation of reciprocity, and when it happens, there is no doubt. As in Shin, it happens when we are open to hearing the call of friendship and entrusting in that call. That is when it happens.

The give and take may be one sided for short periods of time, but over time, it balances out.

They are happy for us when good things happen and contribute to our peace of mind. Best friends accept us without condition and are there when we most need them.

When we hear the calling of Amida Buddha and entrust we are accepted as we are, we move on our path with greater calm in this life. It begins with compassion and wisdom for our self. We become our own best friend. Then, we can be the best friend for another. And like the drop of rain that falls in the river and changes it, we are the same, and we are different.

With impermanence, even best friends come and go in a long life. That is just part of a long life. Those that remain have changed, like we have. And, like a river it may meander and form new paths, it may carve out canyons or become a small steam. We think back on our friends and witness the teachings of impermanence. We think on our Best Friend and we begin to get a glimpse of Amida Buddha.

Namo Amida Butsu.

In Gassho,

Rev. Anita

rev.anita.cbt@outlook.com

Even if someone is
mean to you,
don’t seek revenge.
Revenge is an endless circle.

In this world, hatred is never eliminated by hatred,
But hatred is eliminated only by abandoning hatred.
This is an eternal truth.
(Dhammapada 5)

Two boys were fighting. The first boy had sand poured over his head, so he poured sand over the second boy’s head. The second boy was angry and poured even more sand over the first boy’s head. The first boy then poured even more sand over the second boy’s head. At this point, their hair was full of sand. Both boys got sand in their eyes and started to cry. Even so, they continued to throw sand at each other. They didn’t stop fighting until another boy came over to break up the fight. The moral of the story is that retaliation does not solve problems. Sometimes, you might feel angry at someone and want to seek revenge. But revenge is cowardly. Forgiveness takes much more courage.

Discussion: Revenge ushers in an unending cycle of hatred. Responding to aggression with even an equal act of aggression only serves to escalate hostilities to the further detriment of all involved.

Historically, we’ve seen how wars of retaliation and revenge have led to tragedy. Buddhist ideology stipulates the opposite of the “eye for an eye” mentality codified in the law of retaliation. Instead, Buddhism teaches that malice is only resolved through non-malice, and that grudges must be resolved with benevolence. The scriptural origin of this teaching (Dhammapada: 5) forms the basis of Buddhism’s doctrinal rejection of conflict.

Excerpts of Buddhist voices across teachings, across continents, across time.

A Woman Myōkōnin O-Karu

by Hoyu Ishida

In the Buddha Dharma we say, “Life is suffering.” This may not be a very popular way of expressing what life is, but it is true. We suffer because a great unabridged gap will always exist between our desires and reality itself.

Our desires for health, wealth and fame are fundamental and endless, but they are only temporary because everything in the world, without exception, is in a constant state of change.

It is natural that we should seek help, will and fame, but if our happiness is based solely on such things, we cannot help but suffer. Further, we are constantly subject to other forms of suffering, such as separation from loved ones, unavoidable contact with those we dislike and not getting what we seek.

We often seek to resolve our suffering through science or technology, but our crucial problems cannot be solved by such means. Regardless of how much medical science progresses, you will still become ill, grow old and die. Regardless of how comfortable and luxurious a life we lead because of the technological developments of our times, as long as our desire to have “more” prevails, we are destined not to have a settled and peaceful life.

When we are confronted with insolvable problems such as death, we try to ignore or disregard them. We may be able to ignore them temporarily by occupying ourselves with things such as love, work or something to which we can devote ourselves, but sooner or later, we must face the problem of death.

When we do face our death, however, we usually do so by trying to resolve it by reading books or listening to others on the subject, but it is difficult to be “saved” or liberated in that way.

True liberation takes place only when we realize that everything in the world is all right just as it is, and rather than trying to make the world the way we wanted to be, we accept it the way it is. This does not necessarily mean that we should negate or renounce the world. Rather, it means abandoning our nature of being attached to what is impermanent and of absolutizing the mundane values in the world.

When we discard our resolves and contrivances, and are absorbed by something unbounded and greater than ourselves, we find ourselves embraced by it beyond our ability to think and reason. Trembling in fear of solitude and uncertainty are then transformed into freedom and joy. We are revived, and filled with warmth and compassion…

Excerpt from: Shin Buddhist, March 1993, International Assoc. of Buddhist Culture & Nagata Bunshodo, Kyoto

Photo by Wonderlane on Unsplash

Supervising Minister

Rev. Ron Miyamura

Resident Tokudo Minister

Rev. Anita Tokuzen Kazarian - rev.anita.cbt@outlook.com