The drive was long (beautiful, but long) and I was experiencing a spectrum of emotions. Happy to see him and know that he will be in a space where his needs are met and his unique personality is adored. Overwhelmed. Anxious. Relieved. Unprepared. So many feelings.
I keep waiting for an adultier-adult to step in and take control over everything.
In my childhood, I was affected by parentification which is where a child is forced, or expected, to act as a parental stand-in from a young age. That played a huge part in my decision not to have children. So all of this definitely touched on a lot of tender feelings.
We've had three days to settle in together and so far it's going great. He's so happy to be living with the internet again so he can explore all of his interests. He thinks Hulu and Disney+ are the great inventions ever, and one of my cats, Louis has adopted him and sleeps by his feet every night.
And I'm happy too. You don't always know how you're going to react/feel/adjust to a situation. I asked myself "What if I can't do it? What if I just can't handle the thought of being responsible for another human?" I worried that my anxiety would overwhelm my system or that all of the change and stress would trigger a depressive episode. I worried that my wife would resent me. It's even hard to admit those feelings out loud, you know? But I think it's normal to worry/feel those things so I'm checking in with myself frequently and allowing self-compassion.
It's going to be an adjustment but I think everything is going to be okay.