When they have what you want

by Nayanika Nambiar 

Unconditional support and round-the-clock “yas-kween”-ing have been the guiding principles of a Good Friendship - and not without reason! But what about the messier feelings? Jealousy in friendships is all too real - when it comes to a friend’s success, their personality, their life, and even their attractiveness. And I’m not sooo sure that it makes you a BAD friend - conditions applied, of course.

But firstly, let me tell you about my good friend - the emotion of jealousy. I feel like I know her quite well, and I’ve come to understand exactly where she comes from. This helps me become a lot more patient with her. Jealous of someone’s looks? Make sense - I never could do a french braid. Burning with rage at how cool someone’s job sounds? That checks out - I got stuck on something at work today. Cannot stand to hear a single word more about someone’s vacation? Thank you, global pandemic.

We’re brought up in extremely competitive institutions. so it’s no surprise that good things happening to other people tend to make us seethe. But sometimes jealousy towards friends goes deeper than that, and kind of corrodes you from the inside. If you know what I’m talking about, don’t worry, you’re not alone. And here’s what I recommend you do!

Figure Out Where it’s Coming From
Like I said - find out WHY you’re jealous. It’s usually a ‘you’ problem - and that’s okay too. Just understand that sometimes you’re emotionally..a child. And if you’re more empathetic towards yourself than punishing, it just passes. But if a friend is constantly rubbing something in your face that you’re known to be insecure about - maaaaybe it’s them. Talk to them and tell them that it’s bothering you or reminding you of something that you really want for yourself. If anyone should understand this, it’s your friend.

Ask for Help!
If you’ve figured out you’re feeling jealous about something that’s relatively fixable, like new skills or experiences, try to get over yourself and ask your friend to teach you the thing or help you. It’ll give you something fun to bond over, and you’ll stop seeing them as competition. You’ll just admire them instead.

Reframe the Emotion
I’m not saying you should deny yourself your jealous feelings, but what helps me is to think of my friend with a little more complexity - I try to not just focus on the highlights, and think of all that they’ve been through to get to success. This makes me stop thinking that everything ‘comes easy’ to them. I can separate myself from their narrative, and reframe it in a less self-pitying way. ‘I’m proud of them for getting there’ or, ‘they got there, despite all of these other things going on in their life’.

Recognise When the Jealousy is Systemic
More often than not - jealousy comes from privileges in a very unfair system. A friend could have a creative writing degree in an expensive college you’ve always dreamed about. Or parents who are financially literate and have their investments sorted, while you try to figure out your income tax. These are often things your friend can’t help, and it might not be their fault, per se. So, be kind to yourself when you realise you’re feeling this way. I know that ‘feeling grateful for what you have’ is the standard advice, but it’s human to feel that you’ve been dealt a poor hand - especially when it comes to tangible financial and professional privileges.

Also, if you feel like you and a friend have vast differences between you, and you’re just not able to get past them even after talking about it - it’s totally okay if you’d feel better ending the friendship, or distancing yourself from them.

Tell Them
It’s also okay to just say ‘I’m so jealous of your new haircut, I could never pull that off.” Just tell your friend you’re jealous. Trust me, they’ll just laugh, try to console you in a totally unhelpful way, or say ‘are you kidding — I’m jealous of yours!’
Maybe that isn’t totally healthy, but it’s also a way for our friends to address some of our smaller insecurities.. It’ll feel better to have got it off your chest.

I find jealousy to be a really interesting, and inconvenient emotion. It tells you some uncomfortable truths about yourself. But it’s so rewarding when you admit to having it, because you start taking yourself less seriously, become aware of what triggers you, and are open to learning more. Anyway, to lessen the load of that gyaan, here’s the gospel version of Nick Jonas’ Jealous. I love it so much. Enjoy!

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