RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE ARMY JOKES OF THE WEEK
Acronyms at their best: -ARMY -- A Recruiter Misled You
What do you call a soldier who ends is always saving a couple of important things? Reserves!
What do you call kids in the military? Infantry.
A soldier shows up for military training but realizes he forgot to bring his gun. The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.
“You’ll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout ‘Bangity bang-bang’. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ‘Stabbity stab-stab’. Now get moving.”
The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts “Bangity bang-bang!” the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts “Stabbity stab-stab!” and he too goes down, pretending to be dead. So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting “Bangity bang-bang” and occasionally “Stabbity-stab-stab”, until eventually, he realizes he’s the last man standing. He’s feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.
The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, “Bangity-bang-bang!”
But the other soldier doesn’t go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground. The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, “Bangity bang-bang!”
But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, “Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!”
But to his dismay, nothing works. Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground. He stands over the fallen soldier and says:
“Tankity tank-tank.”
What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran.
Did you hear about the accident on base? A tank ran over a box of popcorn and killed two kernels.
A drill sergeant grumbles at his fresh young trainee, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, Private.”
“Thank you very much, Sir,” replies the soldier.
Air Force pilot to a seaman: “You’re telling me that you’re in the Navy but can’t swim?”
Seaman: “You’re in the Air Force. Can you fly?”
During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
"Your car stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."
What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army officer? A flat major.
What kind of breath mints do military officers use? Tac-tics
What is the best way to refer to a military officer who always makes you stay with them? You call him a company commander!
What is the ideal way to call a military soldier who has a couple of tours under his belt and can take very good care of animals? You most definitely refer to him as a vet!
British Military Jokes
What do you call a Royal Marine who can read and write? "Sir!"
What do you call a Royal Marine with an IQ of 160? A platoon.
What do you call a military officer who visits the bathroom way too often? You should call him a lootenant!
How do you keep a Royal Marine happy in his old age? Tell him a joke when he is young.
How do you know when a date with an RAF pilot is halfway over? He will say, "Enough about me. Want to hear about my plane?"
RAF pilot: "That's it! We're flying faster than the speed of sound!" Co-pilot: "What?"
What do you call a high-ranking officer who hates recycling? General Waste
My friend asked why I would not tell him my military rank. I told him it's Private.
An off-duty soldier took a train. When the train reached its first stop, a general walked in, and the soldier stood up. The General said, "At ease soldier, sit down."
The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, and the General once again said, "At ease soldier, sit down."
When the train reached its third stop, again, the soldier stood up. This time, the General looked at him and said, "You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop."
The soldier replied, "I want to get off, I missed my stop 2 stations ago."
What do you call a soldier who never made it past boot camp? A Police Officer.
An Aussie soldier and an American soldier are pinned down in a firefight. The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back in the foxhole, the American says: "Did you come here to die?"
The Aussie responds, "Nah, I came here yesterday."
Two low ranking soldiers were talking … It was a private conversation.
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