Shadchan Interview: Noach Pawliger

Q: How did you get involved in Shidduchim?

A: I'm someone that always naturally enjoyed connecting people. There were times that I met two people and it was just a no-brainer for me that they had to go out. My first Shidduch was along those lines and it steamrolled from there. The last time I was in Crown Heights my sister-in-law told a few of her single friends to come over as I know many Bochurim. I interviewed them and they appreciated my approach and recommended that I join ChabadMatch and take this more seriously.

Q. What is your focus in Shidduchim?

A. My ulterior motive is to see a lot more Yiddish Kinderlach in the world, and whatever it takes to get there in the right way. Also to make people feel that they are in a safe place. Shidduchim is a vulnerable time for people and it's not always easy. It's important for them to have someone to speak to and be honest and open with; a Shadchan that will look for someone that will match the sensitivities that they need.

Q. What advice and tips can you share with singles?

A. First and foremost to find a Shadchan that you feel comfortable and can be open with. In addition work on yourself perpetually. I've found that the Shidduch crisis in Lubavitch is not that there are more girls than guys but that the girls are light years ahead of the guys. Guys are taught to work on their מענטשלעכקייט during the process rather than before. Be presentable, be intentional and be present, and most importantly to trust the process to be איבערגעגעבען, write to the Ohel, Daven, and make yourself  a כלי.

Q. Can you share how you met your wife?

A. As a Bochur, I was getting ready to start Shidduchim, and my Shadchan/coach was Mrs. Miriam Lipsker. I had seen a picture of a girl and I was interested in finding out more about her. Miriam tried, but wasn’t able to track down who she was. A while later, I was dating someone and we realized we were not for each other, but she suggested a girl that might be good for me. When I picked her up on the first date, I realized she was the person in the photo that I had shown Mrs. Lipsker years before. I was so grateful and blown away by how Hashem orchestrated that I found her. It's important to stress that if you are going out and realize it's not the one, treat the נשמה with respect; this Neshama is a part of your process. And you never know-they may be the one to introduce you to your other half.

Noach Pawliger can be reached at npawliger@gmail.com or at +1 (404) 358-5098.

Five Practical Suggestions to Find a Shidduch

By Esther Rochel Elkaim

• Take care of yourself emotionally. Love yourself. This should be an innate, natural emotion, but unfortunately many singles carry heavy emotional baggage of their childhood that they need to deal with before attempting to enter into a relationship with some else. Make amends with anyone you may have hurt in the past, especially with regard to shidduchim or a broken engagement. The Rebbe used to often advise this when a couple was not blessed with children, that one of them ask mechila (forgiveness) from a person they had dated previously and hurt. It makes sense to prevent such a problem before it causes any problems, before marriage, and to do it sincerely. Also, if past trauma, especially sexual abuse, is an issue, it is important to seek therapy if necessary before marriage. Any other emotional issues, such as those caused by a difficult home environment, divorced or arguing parents, etc., should also be dealt with prior to marriage. Many marriages would have been saved if this advice had been followed. One needs to enter marriage as open and free as possible so that they can invest all of themselves into the marriage and build a solid bayis ne’eman beYisroel (an eternal home among the Jewish people).
• Take care of yourself physically. Eat healthily. Exercise diligently. If you need to, stop smoking, stop drinking, and/or stop using recreational drugs. Seek medical assistance when necessary. Lose weight or gain weight depending on your situation. Appreciate the body Hashem has gifted you with. It is a beautiful piece of art, unique in the whole world. It is the beautiful home of your holy soul. Take care of it to the best of your ability, keeping in mind and believing that sooner than you think, it will create a beautiful baby with Hashem’s help. Be tzniyusdik. Your body is like a Sefer Torah. Its holiness requires that it be hidden from public view like the sacred object that it is.
• Take care of yourself spiritually and intellectually. Learn Torah every day. Increase your time for learning Nigleh and Chassidus. Learn Chitas, Rambam, and Inyonei Geulah uMoshiach. Go to Farbrengens. Learn the Rebbe’s letters, Reshimos, Sichos, and Maamarim. Watch videos of the Rebbe. If you are a bochur, make sure you spend at least some time in a Yeshivah atmosphere on a steady basis. Go to Minyan twice a day. If you are a girl, make sure to daven (pray) every day and learn Chitas, Sefer HaMitzvos, Inyonei Geulah uMoshiach, and as much as you can in other areas of the Torah. Learning Torah, and deciding that once married you will conduct your home as befits a Chabad couple—a home in which the Rebbe would be confortable coming in unannounced 24/7—is the best segula to find your shidduch quickly14. Do not waste your time and poison your mind by reading secular books, watching movies, listening to non-Jewish or coarse music, going to impure places, etc. This is your only time in life to be a young adult. Do not chas veSholom waste it on sitra achara. Also, do not look for a shidduch in ways that go against Halacha and even Chassidishe ideals. A mitzvah never happens through an aveirah. Being an older single never means to have to compromise on ways to meet a potential shidduch or in anything else. If anything, standards should on the contrary be higher as older singles have had additional time to mature and grow in their Torah and Chassidishkeit.
• Talk with your parents, shadchanim—including meeting new ones—remind your married friends and relatives to look for you, etc. As much as people want to help you, they need to be reminded and know what you are looking for.
• Do not let anyone pressure you into making a decision you are not 100% comfortable with. It is normal to feel some anxiety when making probably the most important decision you will make in your life—choosing a spouse—but also recognize what is normal apprehension when making such a crucial choice versus the serious issue of fear of commitment and always waiting to meet someone better.

Rebbe's Letter: Reservations Regarding Commitment to Yiddishkeit

Rosh Chodesh Shvat, 5730

Brooklyn, N.Y.

Miss

Philadelphia, Pa. 19141

Blessing and Greeting:

Your letter reached me with some delay and my reply was also unavoidably delayed.

You write about your background and also in the matter of a shidduch; that you met a boy about whom you have some reservations in regard to his attitude and commitment to Yiddishkeit and you seek my advice.

First of all, I want to say that I am gratified to note in your letter that you are determined to advance and to go from strength to strength in your commitment to and practice of Yiddishkeit. With such resolve you can be sure of hatzlacha, for our Sages have assured us that “He who is determined to purify himself receives help from On High.”

As for the question of a shidduch, my viewpoint is well known, namely – to separate the matter of chinuch from that of a shidduch. In other words, while one must try to influence other people and bring them closer to Yiddishkeit, this should not be a consideration in the matter of a shidduch. Particularly in your case, where you yourself have yet to strengthen your adherence to the Jewish way and continue your steady advancement, it is important that you find a partner in life who is already firmly rooted in the Torah, Toras Chaim, and the mitzvos whereby Jews live. It would be rather risky to think that while trying to advance yourself you will be able to help another person to similarly advance in the right direction, especially after that person has at one time learned in a yeshivah and was fully committed, but for various reasons had turned away completely and then made a partial return, with some reservation. One may, and should, have every confidence that that person will come back completely, but it would be folly to add confusion to confusion and, in any case, this is not the purpose of a shidduch.

May G-d, Whose benevolent Providence extend to each and everyone individually, lead you in the way that is truly good for you, especially in regard to the serious aspects of life. The zechus of your resolve to strengthen your commitment to Yiddishkeit, particularly in a practical way in the day to day life, since the important thing is the deed, will surely stand you in good stead.

With blessing,