Micro-Reframe #12

Self and Others

When I first spoke about my ideas around reframing self-care, I spoke of self-replenishment. Across February, as I was promoting the course I felt less and less like it was just about self — yes self first — but I wanted the philosophy to be something that could be applied to families, friendships, workplaces, neighbourhoods and communities.

I hoped the framework could be adapted to other circumstances where people were in desperate need of refill.

Especially community organisations whose members often burn out in the process of trying to effect lasting change.

Self-care is often derided because of the emphasis of self .. It’s countered by the idea or the need for “community care”. And I am all for that — however I’m not apologetic that Replenish starts with you.

Masks On

Once you’ve got your mask on, you can do something about assisting others. What is an imperative on a plane is somehow lost in every day life as selfish and indulgent or as yet another toxic hallmark of individualistic society.

It’s not when society rides on your back.

None of us can truly replenish in isolation though. We live communally. We work with others. And as much as becoming a hermit might seem like the gold standard for life sometimes, there are benefits of having others in the replenish equation.

So today we take a tiny toe-dip into the world of others.

Because of the immensity of where replenishment touches other people in our life — this reframe drills down on five areas:

* Co-regulation
* The drama triangle
* Gratitude
* Pets
* Forgetting


Co-Regulation

Co-regulation has been the buzz word in parenting circles for at least the last half a decade. It didn’t belong to the parenting vernacular 20 years ago when my son was born.

The simplest definition is:

... the process through which children develop the ability to soothe and manage distressing emotions and sensations through connection with nurturing and reliable primary caregivers.

Co-regulation isn’t just for kids though.

Sometimes regulation is too much for us to do alone. This is where loved ones enter the picture. We can co-regulate with a close friend or a partner. Our bodies can also learn to regulate in the presence of an experienced therapist.

Plus, in a group, our bodies regulate in the presence of other regulated bodies.

We can find regulation in meditation groups, yoga classes and spiritual gatherings. But we can also find it in dog parks, libraries and other quiet places or locations of shared passion.

We also co-regulate at comedy shows and concerts.

We know heart rhythms entrain when people sing together.

Studies show when people have similar physiological experiences, they forever feel closer.

Elegant studies from 2022 showed when people heard a story, their hearts beat in a similar way even if they were not in the same room as each other.

Narrative is a potent form of refill. It drives common physiological responses. These responess are a powerful glue for relationship building and maintenance.

Watch movies together, share stories, play or listen to music together. No one said co-regulation couldn’t be fun.

The Toxic Drain of Drama

Stephen Karpman is the father of The Drama Triangle.

In this three-way dynamic there is a victim, perpetrator and rescuer.

While drama is entertaining on screen and in books, it is a diabolic drain in every day life. Especially if you are in close relationship with someone who perpetually needs to be a victim.

We are often drawn repeatedly into this dynamic — through guilt, through a need to help and sometimes through no fault of your own (especially if you are targeted as the perpetrator — as a friend of mine once said, in the absence of an axe to grind one will be created).

Two things to know about this: if you choose to step out of the role of rescuer or perpetrator, the victim will readily find someone new to play the part, as their identities are very often aligned with the victim personae and their view of the world is skewed. It is one of the few places where it’s good to be replaceable.

The second thing to know is that there is a way to transmute this. The drama triangle becomes the empowerment dynamic when the victim becomes a creator, the rescuer becomes a coach and the perpetrator becomes a challenger.

This becomes a generative energy where dynamic tension drives healing and growth.

You can learn more about this in The Power of TED by David Emerald.

Gratitude

Here’s the low down on gratitude. The sweet spot is not keeping a gratitude journal.

The most potent form of gratitude — the one that juices the circuits in your brain and lights up your endocrine system — is when someone tells you that they are grateful for you.

This is very much a pay it forward model of gratitude.

Developing a practice of actively expressing your gratitude for others lays the foundation for others to in turn express their gratitude for you.

It’s not intended as transactional — ie. if I tell you how much you make my life easier by making me a coffee in the morning I don’t then expect you to tell me something that I do that makes your life easier in the morning.

It is intended to be given as selfless appreciation and thanks.

It is about developing a culture of gratitude around you; leading by example.

Pets

Not all the others in our sphere are of the human variety.

Pets have a positive impact on our social, mental and physical health.

Everything from improving heart health, lowering cholesterol and cortisol, increasing your mobility and fitness, and decreasing your sense of loneliness. They can give a sense of security and routine. And offer distractions from distress or disruptions in life.

Lastly our furred companions offer us the kind of unconditional love that can be hard to find among our human companions.

So go pat your fur babies, often.

Forgetting

On our last group call we talked about the cycles of forgetting that we go through in regards to known trajectories of self degradation, self destruction or repeated ways we lose those essential anchoring practices we need daily and weekly.

Or maybe it’s the shitty dynamics we get caught in over and over again — which ultimately lead to being physically, emotionally, and mentally wrecked.

Why? Why do we forget? And how do we stop forgetting?

The best answer I have as to why we forget — there is bad wiring, both handed down in our genes and in our socialising that favours the reversal of the prioritisation of self. So that we go back to giving to everyone else instead.

From an evolutionary perspective, this gives our offspring an advantage. It makes it more likely that our partner will continue to stay and provide protection and security.

Fuck that though. We are no longer in primitive societies or family groups.

How do we stop forgetting?

We need people close to us, that know our patterns, that know the hills we continually die on, and remind us of them before we go full phoenix.

We also need people who see that tending ourselves ultimately makes everyone’s lives easier, so we can be reminded to do the things we need. And for them to graciously give us the space to do them.

Yeasr ago, my friend wrote a story where the primary caregiver turned into a vending machine. Their family didn’t realise anything had changed.

Let’s choose people who want us to be part of the feast. Not the sole provider of it.


Reflection Questions

1. Where are you embedded in someone else’s drama? What role do they expect you to play in it (perpetrator or rescuer?) What would happen if you simply stepped out of the story?

2. When was the last time you expressed your gratitude to someone? When was the last time someone expressed their gratitude for you?

3. Who will you nominate as your “Remembering Person”? And who will you nominate yourself as “Remembering Person” for?


Emergency Triage
BioHack #12 The 6-second kiss and 20-second hug

Kiss your partner for six seconds (that's one six second kiss not six one second kisses). Six seconds is too long to kiss someone you don't like nor someone you feel unsafe with.

You must deliberately notice you like this person, trust this person, and feel affection for them. Noticing these things tells your body you are safe with your tribe.

Hug someone you love and trust for 20 seconds, each keeping your center of balance. No leaning in.

Research shows this kind of hug can change your hormones, slow your heart rate, lower your blood pressure, and improve your mood through the release of oxytocin.

These are both ways to end the stress response cycle -- where your body is shown it is safe and you're home safe and sound with people you love.