Iâll be the first to say there are no ârulesâ when it comes to friends and friendships. Everyone has their own dynamic and boundaries with their friends, so whoâs to say whatâs toxic and what isnât?
But if youâre getting some âvibesâ that make you feel uncomfortable with your friend - make sure you have a frank chat with them. And if that doesnât work out, distance yourself from them. Honestly, it might be time to think about whether you deserve better from a friendship.
As we all know, the first step to admitting you have a problem is recognizing you have one a listicle! So here goes - some signs your friend might be toxic:
You donât feel like sharing good news with them. If you feel the air in the room (or the WhatsApp chat) change when you tell them about your achievements - or they start putting you down, or comparing theirs - itâs likely that theyâre probably not rooting for you.
They belittle you. Look, every friendship has a silently agreed upon contract about the amount of teasing that is acceptable, and the topics that this contract applies to (For example: none of my friends talk about the haircut I had in 7th std., and god bless them for that). If the teasing or belittling goes a bit too far, youâll know it in your gut, and youâll probably wonder if their intention was to hurt you.
You donât feel like you can be yourself with them. If your friend is trying to change you or constantly find fault with you - theyâre seeing you as a project, and not a friend.
You feel like itâs all about them. The pandemic has brought on the worst of times for just about everyone, so itâs natural for a lot of friendships to feel the strain of it. But if you feel like the relationship is one-sided and theyâre not giving you (or even trying to give you) the attention or time that you give them, consider whether you would be better replaced in their life by a cardboard cutout with eyes.
Okay â if youâve spotted this, how do you deal with it?
The âadultâ route: have a conversation first. Speak with them about how their behaviour is making you feel, and ask them why this is happening. Friendships are resilient - if they're going through something or are feeling insecure, maybe you can unpack that together.
Set boundaries with them - tell them you donât like to be made fun of or put down - sometimes they may not even know theyâre being mean.
On the other hand, if none of that works - friendships also donât have to be resilient. Sometimes people grow apart - and thatâs okay. Feel free to distance yourself from them.
The past few years have brought so many changes to the way we work and study and make friends. Itâs okay to not have anything in common with some people anymore, or figure out you donât really like each other - sometimes the routine of being in the same building makes you think you do.
The important thing is not to guilt yourself for âfailingâ at friendship. These conversations and decisions help you become a little more of yourself, when you realise what you need (and what you absolutely donât).
But hereâs a small reality check: the tragedy of the word toxic is that it implies the absolute worst behaviour - so thereâs a tendency to think that we, ourselves, must be totally incapable of it. So read the list again, and figure out if youâre the toxic friend. Someone pointing out your toxicity isnât the worst thing in the world - it means youâre being called in to be a better friend, and look deeper into whatâs bothering you.
So, let me know if youâve ever spotted toxicity? You can hit âreplyâ to this mail, even if just to congratulate me on not using a Britney reference even once throughout this piece.
Love, Nayanika
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