RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE TORAH FIGURES JOKES OF THE WEEK
What did David call himself after his ID was stolen? Dav…
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noach -- he was floating his stock while everyone else was liquidating.
was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh's daughter --
she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little “prophet".
had just moved into a new apartment and was out celebrating with his
friend Benny. At 2am, he invited Benny back to his apartment where they
continued to celebrate. Then Benny said, "Before I go, why not show me around?"
Yitzhak proudly showed Benny his apartment and all the high tech it
contained. Then he took Benny into his bedroom where his friend couldn't
help but notice a very large shofar on the chest of drawers.
"Why do you have a shofar in your bedroom?" asked Benny.
"That's my clock," Yitzhak replied.
"A clock? Are you serious?" said Benny.
"Of course," replied Yitzhak.
"So how does it work?" said Benny.
replied Yitzhak, as he picked up the shofar and blew it at the top of
his lungs. They stood looking at each other for a moment when suddenly,
someone in the apartment next door screamed, "Stop that, you inconsiderate oaf. It's quarter to three in the morning."
What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? Ruth-less.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? "Your mother ate us out of house and home"
ark was built in three stories. The top one had a window to let in
light. How did the bottom two stories get light? They used floodlights.
Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot? The thought had
Who was the first person to download something from a cloud to two tablets? Moses
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Which Bible character had no parents? Joshua, son of Nun
How do we know the people on the ark with Noah did not play card games? Because Noah sat on the deck
A Surgeon, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the Surgeon, "G‑d created Eve from Adam by form of surgery, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."
"No," said the engineer,
"before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to
create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."
But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who do you think created the chaos?"
came to a bar on a nightly basis, ordering two glasses of Crown Royal.
When the bartender asked him why he never changed his order, the man
explained that he had a friend with whom he drank a nightly glass of
Crown Royal for many years.
"My Berel was drafted and died in Korea," the man sighed, "and
I decided to immortalize him by drinking two glasses of Crown Royal
every night. One glass I drink for him; the other for myself."
One night, after thirty years, the man entered the bar and ordered a single glass of Crown Royal.
"What happened?" asked the bartender.
"Oh," Yankel responded, "I quit drinking."