I want to be as helpful as possible when offering support to people who have just lost a loved one. (It's why I've written a book about it). 

You do, too. That's why you are part of this mailing list.

As I look into academic research into what’s called “bereavement support”, the research concludes with “these things seem to help” and “There is inconsistent implementation” and “there hasn’t been much research.” And the research relates to palliative care and intensive care. We know individual stories, we know what we do, but we could go further. 

So, because I’m part of a research group, I’m going to start some work on my own.

What words and actions are most helpful to people in the first moments and days following the death of a loved one? What words and actions do people report as being helpful?

To start, I’ll ask about what people remember that was helpful following a death.

 I’m choosing the word “helpful” carefully. We often worry about saying the wrong thing or saying the right thing. We often want to figure out what "works" to fix things. 

Rather than thinking about right or wrong, or even best, I want to think about figuring out how to be helpful.

• First up, I’m building a short survey. This survey will test whether people actually remember helpful things. 
• Then, there will be one or more larger surveys. These surveys will have branches allowing for deeper dives into particular situations. And will be more demographically rich, allowing us to test my thinking that different people and different situations affect what's helpful. 
• At the same time, I'll be learning more about a couple grief models and writing more about what I already understand.
• Once we have a working survey and some results, I’ll be developing resources that fit with what we are learning. (Including looking at what could change in my own work in these moments.)
• If this research is fruitful, interviews and focus groups may be helpful.

I can imagine being able to say, “Here’s what the data suggests, based on our conversations with a few thousand people.”

1.   Here are the actions that help.

2.  Here are the actions that don’t.

3. Here are the kinds of deaths where there are gaps

4.  Here are the individual differences that shape responses (age, relationship, gender).

This email is the first "public" invitation to participate. I'd love you to take the survey, but only if you are okay with remembering the death of someone close. If you think it will be too hard right now, I understand.  It will take about 10 minutes at most. 

And then, I'd be grateful for any feedback you have on the survey or on the project. (Reply to this email.)

And to learn more, visit beinghelpfulinloss.com.

Thank you. 

Nancy and I have done talked a lot about these questions, often from the inside. With the loss of a daughter, all four of our parents, a brother-in-law and sister-in-law and several friends, we have our own journeys. 

And we're always wondering what we should say, whether we should say anything, and occasionally wishing we hadn't said "that". 

It's never easy knowing what to say in at a funeral calling or the next week at work. But we're pretty committed to learning to be more helpful. 

We'll stay in touch. 

Thanks.