Basically, it's how you feel when you're told to 'calm down'

by Yashvi Peeti

What is gaslighting? Is it when you hit the lighter on the counter at least 3 times to get it to work? It probably is. But that’s not what I want to talk about today.

Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into thinking that your thoughts, judgement and memories are wrong or invalid. And in romantic relationships…it can feel like a personalised Black Mirror episode.

The term “gaslight” actually comes from a movie with the same name. In this movie, a man manipulates his wife into thinking she’s ‘insane’, so that he can find and steal her hidden family jewels. In the process, he murders her aunt. Even after all this, he manages to convince her that she’s a ‘kleptomaniac’ who’s losing her mind, and that she should not be allowed to go out in public.

The movie was wildly popular, because a lot of people realised that this behaviour is kind of familiar to them. So the term stuck around. Okay, maybe most of us aren’t dating jewel-thieving murderers – but it got me thinking about whether you could know if your partner was gaslighting you – even in subtle ways.

I read about it, spoke to people, and thought about my own experiences. Here's the checklist I came up with!

Some instances in which your partner maayy be gaslighting you:

You question your reality: They make you think that you didn’t see (what you know you saw) and didn’t feel (what you know you felt.) You go through your day feeling like a character in a poorly-written dystopian novel.

White lies, grey lies, black lies: They’ve shown you the entire shade card of lies. And every time they’re caught in one, they try to pull a reverse UNO and turn it around on you.

Your insecurities are heightened: They use your insecurities to make you feel smaller. So you’re more likely to blame yourself for any problems in the relationship. (Think of how Shashi’s husband taunts and belittles her in English Vinglish)

Isolation tactic: They try to keep you away from the people who care about you. Because god forbid you feel loved by someone else and realise you deserve to be treated better.

If you’ve been nodding all this while in horror — all is not lost. Here are some helpful ways to deal with the situation:

Accept how you feel: Even if someone tells you that you “shouldn’t” be feeling this way, it doesn’t change how you feel – it is totally valid.

Talking is healing: Talk to people you trust. Consider talking to a therapist too. When someone tells you that your emotions are valid, try to believe them. It can feel like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold night.

Speak up: Tell your partner how their behaviour makes you feel. Maybe they'll understand and you'll figure it out together. 

But if they say, “I only did it because I love you,” — you gotta run away faster than Flash.

You can walk away: You don’t have to cut them off if it’s too hard, but it could help to end the relationship. You deserve to feel loved and respected (even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.)

Don’t hold the lighter: Check your own behaviour to see if you gaslight your partner. Do you dismiss your partner’s feelings? Do you make them feel small? If you don’t know the answer, just ask.

Look, some relationships don’t work. You are not a quitter for walking away from them. Your self-worth is your own, so don't tie it to the person trying to bring you down.

Surround yourself with love and care that exists outside of your relationship, and try to believe in it. You deserve the world!

Reply to this email, and let me know what you think - I'd love to hear from you.

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