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I had an outstanding, challenging time last year, doing the Summer Nanofiction Writing Battle.
Here’s what I had to work with:
Genre: Summer Fling
Character: Flamboyant Gladiator
Word: Minimalistic
Max Length: 250 words
I had zero prior experience with romance as a writing genre, but I resisted re-drawing, because I was attracted to the challenge.
I time-boxed my brainstorming session to half a day. What could a flamboyant gladiator be? How to move away from the obvious Roman-Empire-Russel-Crow images that immediately sprung to my mind? What kind of story did I really fancied writing?
Then on to the writing itself. Only 250 words. Try cramming a budding novel into so few words!
Here’s the nanofiction story I wrote and submitted:
With Trembling Hands
Nicolas Lemieux - Summer Nanofiction Writing Battle 2023
With trembling hands, Lana unfolded her mother’s letter once more.
I was young. I fooled myself into believing my life was to be minimalistic. I kept things simple. Clean condo, small; minimal eco footprint…
“I’m your opposite”, he said.
And he was. But to me, in that moment, he was it. He was the flamboyant gladiator we’d been so looking for.
We never found it, by the way. The minimal archives I had weren't specific enough—the coveted coleopteran, I mean; the famed Gladiatorum Spectaculus, we didn't find it. And what a glorious insect it must have been! Granted, likely a self-absorbed, showy beetle, in my opinion... Lana, it’s up to you now, whether you follow in my steps.
But when I met him, we were still looking for it. Quite frantically. I guess I found something else instead. Before I lost it again.
Lana stopped reading, her hand dropping to her thigh, her mom’s letter along with it. She leaned back, closing her eyes. She couldn’t stop her mind from reeling. Mom’s thoughts formed in her head as if they were her own.
A flamboyant gladiator… and I yearned for the warmth of his touch on my cheek, for prickles, from his breath along the line of my neck. I wanted… I wanted his moans in my ear, first sweet and tender, then fervent, fierce. Feverish. All to me. His entire urgency…
Lost.
But here you were, Lana Andromeda Pelipo. You came to the world... and there it was again.
Okay
You might like it or not. I kinda do, though I see how I could work on it to make it better, were I to choose to do so.
But here’s the really interesting part… Brace yourself…
The feedback
It was all over the spectrum!
The comments went from very positive and almost superlative to very useful, to the opposite. This is good, because as Simone Grace Seol wisely puts it, “If you don’t repel anyone, you can’t attract anyone else. If you don’t repel anybody, it means you’re just drab.”
So hopefully, my little snippet of a story wasn’t drab. Its main problem was that it was too confusing. Because obviously, it tried to pack too many things into too little space.
Here are a few examples of the feedback I received (not all ten of them).
A- On the positive side of the spectrum
Example 1
What I liked about the story:
I love the way you've interpreted your prompts! Turning "flamboyant gladiator" into a type of beetle is nothing short of genius. And as someone who is pretty skeptical of romance-y genres, I appreciate the way your fling is eluded to but never quite central in this fascinating story. There's a propulsive poetry to the last italicized section that REALLY works for me. Particularly the last two paragraphs. I find the vagueness of it alluring, the way a good poem affects me in a way that I simply can't describe.
What I felt might need work with the story:
That said, I was a little confused by this story. 250 words is TOUGH I feel like some crucial details didn't make it to the page. What I've gathered is this: Lana's mother was an entomologist, she has probably recently passed, and this letter is Lana's perhaps first learning details about who her father was. If I got it wrong, I apologize! But even if I got it right, I had to read it multiple times to piece that together.
I wonder if it would be clearer if you had presented the first bits of information in the letter in a different order. So for example, you start out by referencing an unnamed "him" and it seems to be describing the "summer fling" of your genre. But then there's this line: "He was the flamboyant gladiator we’d been so looking for." Who is we? Who describes someone this way? So the next paragraph clarifies this (though the "we" is never explained, I'm not sure it needed to be) but it's already thrown me off my bearings. If you'd started with the beetle, explained what "flamboyant gladiator" meant, then when the "he" is introduced it would all make sense. Unless, of course, I've misread everything.
I really did find this story quite entrancing so bear with me for one more nitpick. You have two different versions of "we didn't find it" in the same paragraph, and in a story this short that feels to me like wasted words. Again, by reordering the information, you would only need one of them and could have used those words elsewhere.
You're obviously a profound talent. All the elements are here for an amazing story but I think this one is falling down a bit solely on its structure.
Example 2
What I liked about the story:
This is a very ambitious piece. It packs a lot of depth of meaning into the gladiator terminology, with its double usage, suggests a deep backstory of two scientists tracking down a rare insect, I think? I liked how it all turned around in the end to the mother's appreciation for what her daughter brought into her life in terms of passion and meaning.
What I felt might need work with the story:
For me personally, the scope of the story was too big and the prose was too dense for such a short piece. It clicked for me after I read through it twice, but it was a challenge to follow on a first read. Perhaps consider offsetting the letter text in quote marks to further signal the reader to make the leap with you when you're switching back and forth between third person with Lana and first person with her mother.
While I liked that there is clearly a larger story universe here being hinted at, with Lana learning her parentage through a letter, her mother challenging her to go out looking for the beetle, etc., it felt like too much to resolve in a short space. I would simplify this so that Lana has an emotional arc and it's all a bit more self-contained in the space available.
Example 3
What I liked about the story:
This was a beautiful read. Equal parts lusty and romantic and nostalgic.
I love the picture you painted with your words.
What I felt might need work with the story:
I feel like this touches on some world building but by keeping it within the 250 word limit, it reads a little confusing. I also feel like it was unnecessary to specifically state “flamboyant gladiator.” You could have demonstrated his flamboyancy through your prose.
Example 4
What I liked about the story:
The writing of this story is very poetic. The reading of this is very smooth and flowing, guiding the reader along in a pleasant and peaceful way, which was very unexpected. Setting a mood so quickly, in such a small window of words, is tough to pull off but this story found a way to draw the reader into the moment that Lana was experiencing with the letter immediately and effectively.
What I felt might need work with the story:
The details of how the mother met the father were a little tough to follow initially. Upon a re-read, the clarity of the search for an insect on a trip became evident, but at first I struggled to pick up and organize those details based on how they were presented. A little extra clarity, either through wording, or carefully added details, would have cleared that up for me as a reader.
B- Moving closer to the other end of the spectrum…
Example 5
What I liked about the story:
I really like your writing style, it’s dynamic and it makes me want to read more, to know more about what’s happening.
What I felt might need work with the story:
I’m sorry but I’m completely lost. I’ve read and re read several times and I can’t understand what’s happening here. I don’t quite see why the mother writes about being minimalistic, I don’t understand who he is, I don’t know why we then jump to “We never found it, by the way”, what is what they didn’t find? And why is that relevant to the story?
And I get even more lost when I reach the point where Lana’s mum’s letter reads “ Quite frantically. I guess I found something else instead. Before I lost it again. ” - what is she talking about?
Is it just me? Has everyone else understood what this story is about or what’s happening? Because I’m trying to figure it out and I can’t, but maybe it’s me?
Finally, I’m not sure who Lana’s mum is talking about in the second to last paragraph, is she talking about Lana’s dad? Why is this relevant to the story?
You last line only creates more questions to me, what was there again? I, again, can’t understand any of this.
I’m really sorry if all this feedback feel bitter, or unfair, I’m trying to be really honest and I hope I haven’t offended you. You have a very nice writing style but I feel so lost on this one…
Gaining Perspective
It’s quite an experience, to receive feedback like this from ten different people.
Overall, the whole experience was enlightening. I plan to enrol in more Writing Battles in the future. The next one’s in August. I missed the last one because I threw my back out only days before, so I had to forfeit.
But I got the merch!
You're the Jury
The part I haven’t talked about yet is the few weeks after submitting my story, during where I received ten other stories, two at a time, to comment on - quite a brain workout! - and to pick the one I liked most. (This is how the stories are ranked: by peers, except for the final round.) It was a whole lot of work, and I enjoyed coming up with the most useful comments possible. It was thrilling to put myself in other writer's shoes. Many of them were absolutely good, too. I was so very impressed.
Overall
The whole process was hard and challenging, but I can't wait to do it again, because it was also informative, exciting, useful and encouraging.
I wish you the same on your next Writing Battle!
P.S.: Oh, in case you’re still wondering about the thingy Lana’s mother lost and found again: it was Love.
What do you think? Should the story be more obvious about it?
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